Bad idea in homeownership #219: Face full of Pollen
Last week I put these clever little downspout things on our gutters to direct the water away from the house. You just have to roll them up after the rain – they unfurl to guide the water out – and then eventually roll back up. I thought it was more clever than getting more gutters, elbows, crimpers and big gloves.

Pleased with myself (aren’t I always) and my decision, I told Deeps that according to the instructions, eventually these little things would roll up on their own. But they don’t yet, you have to “train them” and I had to roll them up after a storm.

I noticed they had a light dusting of a sickly yellow color – probably pollen. I didn’t really think anything of it. I rolled them up, had pollen on my hands and proceeded to wipe said pollen on my pants. (They are my yard pants after all.)

We went out to run errands and about an hour later I remarked that I felt a little odd.

Deeps: Like what?
Me: Like I’m hollow and far away and light headed.
Deeps: Have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Deeps: You’re slurring your words.
Me: Really? That’s just so – I feel kinda weird.

Yeah – face full of pollen does that sometimes, you big dummy.

I remarked that maybe the pollen was the culprit. Despite never having an especially bad allergy attack or having much more than a few sneezes or itchy eyes on a bad day – it was the only thing that made sense.

Deeps: Oh is that the yellow stuff all over your pants?
Me: Uhm. Yeah.
Deeps: You’re like rolling in it – you’re freebasing pollen.
Me: That’s probably not good.
Deeps: What did you just say?

I had gone all incomprehensible with the slurring. All I can say is that it was a lot weirder than being drunk. Or the couple of days I took the Valium for head lump.

By the time we got home my eyes were watering and goopy and my head was throbbing. I was no longer talking. Deeps took me upstairs, handed me a Claritin and bid me adieu.

I curled up in the fetal position and said something approximately along the lines of “Gawwwh,” to him in return.

So there are new rules for rolling up the gutter downspout thingeys and they involve me washing my hands 9 times and wearing gloves and a hazmat suit. And Deeps will stand by with some Claritin and a glass of water. Just in case.