Friday, November 25, 2005

Big deal about Black Friday or How to make me crazy every damn year
I was fully prepared to sack out on the couch all day. I found some extremely crappy fare OnDemand! and I had some coffee cake.

My husband had other ideas.

He had a list.

Holiday shopping? No – he has his regular weekend shopping list. So we hit the stores to run his errands. I was bracing for the worst but surprised by how uneventful the day was.

Target was pretty empty – we moved through quickly, picked up some stuff and had no wait in line. Then we went to Costco because … I think we went because it was there.

I’ve never seen the place so dead. There were no lines, lots of people ready to help and we got coupons. Sadly, I wasn’t allowed to by a 32” HD LCD television – but whatever. My birthday is in a few weeks. Around these parts we call that a hint.

I did buy 11 sticks of deodorant, a 4 foot tall Christmas ornament (for the ornament exchange this year), 14 pounds of Extra chewing gum, 3 gallons of saline solution (no rub!) and half a cubic ton of Cetaphil – all for about $50.

Then we went to Home Depot – because my husband hates me. I mean, because he really wants a new faucet for the sink in the laundry room. What? Why? What? Those were my questions.

I expected chaos and pandemonium – which I found at the HD. But what surprised me was that all the chaos and pandemonium was caused by the HD employees. They were everywhere all at once – yelling questions at me, offering assistance, and pushing products. I didn’t need help but figured I’d ask where the faucets were to save 30 seconds. Nine guys fought over the right to show us where we could find faucets.

That was nice. My question is – where are these people every other damn day of the year? Because in August or September or October, I could have used an actual knowledgeable human being who didn’t ask me stupid questions or assume that because I have lady parts I don’t know what I’m talking about. Oh yes, I’m still bitter. Sue me.

We made it out of the store unscathed and with a swanky new faucet for the sink. I don’t know who is going to install it – but I’ll be sure to document the event thoroughly.

On the way home I called my mother to discuss her holiday shopping. She got up early and braved the crowds at Wal-Mart to look for some deals. I can’t speak in any kind of specifics about these things because members of the family (big and small) read the blog and I don’t want to ruin the surprise for them.

So in the most abstract terms I’ll talk about what my mother did wrong. See, one of my sisters asked for something pretty specific – let’s call it a pony. She really wants a pony and my mother agreed that maybe she is responsible and mature enough to have a pony. Responsible, mature, 28 and the mother of three – god I hope she’s old enough to have a pony. Otherwise, we’re all in trouble.


Mom mentioned the pony, I said – great idea, let’s go halfsies. Fantastic. Everyone is happy. I surf the Interweb and send off links to several good pony options. Amazon has all of their ponies on sale and I found a good one with a good… uhm… teeth and free shipping and on sale. My mother says cool but she think she can find a better pony at the stores during the “door buster” sales – for less money. I said go forth and get that pony. Tell me how much I need to send the check for.

I called this afternoon and found out that the pony has been purchased – but it isn’t the pony we talked about. We’d talked about uhm… appaloosas and palominos and black beauty. My mother bought a quarter horse. Quarter horses are fine, but I’m not a fan and I had one once – it needed a lot of batteries, I mean hay. Oh and that lame pony, it cost about twice as much as the other ponies we talked about.

Why is this pony so good? I guess her friend said she bought a pony just like it and it’s the best pony ever. Except I don’t think this lady knows anything about horses. But whatever. I’ve owned like 10 ponies and I couldn’t possibly be right.

I tried to explain this all to Deeps in the car as we drove home. He laughed and laughed.

Why? I am stupid and never learn. I complain every time I offer to split something with my family. Nobody listens to me. This is why my father has a video camera that doesn’t have steady-cam even though the man has Parkinson’s disease. And this is why my sister will have a clunky, overpriced… pony.

No more halfsies for me. From now on, everyone is getting books and they will like it.

The end.


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