Latest book count
In hindsight – I probably shouldn’t have read (book #16 for those keeping score) one of the best-crafted horror novels about the mundane details of living in a nice neighborhood or (gasp!) buying your dream home.

Your dream house – why should that be scary? Why is the street so menacing? How do such normal people - that remind me of myself - get pushed to such radical measures? I don’t know… but what a great read.

GAH!

No wonder I got weirdly claustrophobic in a couple of open houses. Sure the tiny spiral staircase made me weak in the knees – and the cramped stairwell to the basement (where I had to duck at 5’4”) was small. But maybe I was having a subconscious reaction as well.

Either way – well done Anne Rivers Siddons. You did something that few people, books or films can do – you freaked me out. Well done indeed.

By: Alyssa | Monday, February 28, 2005 at Monday, February 28, 2005 | |   

In the name of science: The great lip balm challenge
There’s a good chance that if you’ve ever spent time in a cold climate – perhaps a winter in Chicago or Vermont or Utah – you’ve used some lip balm. It’s cold; your lips are chapped; you remember that old commercial from the 70s and you go digging through your pockets or the 7-11 in search of something to soothe your lips.

I grew up in the harsh winters of Indiana – where the ground freezes and the wind blows so hard you can hear it shaking the house. We don’t really get snow, but we get cold. Bitter cold. Then I moved to New England where they snow and cold (although usually not so bitter) and then to Chicago where the wind is harsh, the temperatures are miserable and the snow is sometimes unstoppable.

I know a thing or two about lip balm.

First, you know if your lips are dry, cracked and chapped you might need to drink more water. Or increase the humidity in your space – any lip balm can only do so much. If your skin, in general, is parched – you’re not going to get great results.

The Balms – you basically have two options: the waxy and the squishy. The waxy are the kind you find in little tubes – like Chapstick, Blistex, and the like. The squishy are emollients that are very moist like shea butter or petroleum jelly.

And FYI – that weird urban legend you may have heard about getting “addicted” to lip balm is just that. A weird, legend. (Chemically - I mean - I needs me some lip balm, so I guess there's a psychological component as well....)

In the name of science, I’ve recruited another regular balm user (and blog without pity reader) Nabbalicious, to provide additional input on the various balms. It's the first ever blog without pity crossover. Please note it in your calendars.

Alyssa’s List:
Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer (tube)
Blistex Medicated (tube)
Blistex Spa Effects with SPF 15 (tube)
True Blue Spa Wet Your Whistle shea butter (tube)
Sally Hansen Lip Quencher Daily lip Moisturizer with shea butter (angled tube delivery)
Vaseline petroleum jelly (jar)
Neosporin Lip Treatment (angled tube delivery)
Neutrogena Lip Moisturizer (tube)
Chapstick

I like all my varying lip balms. I tend to keep one in each coat – my husband carries some and we keep spares in the glove compartment. I keep two in my bathroom and one by my bed – so I’ve spent some time thinking about this. Chapped lips do not make for a happy woman (or man for that matter.)

I could weigh the relative merits of each balm – but that would be boring. But here is my best suggestion; if you have actual damage – cracks and serious chapped lips – get thee some Neosporin Lip Treatment stat.

You will be incredibly happy that you did. I have used all the balms listed above for years – but I’ve never actually had something that healed damage. I’ve had balms that soothe or reduce damage, but do not fix it. The Neosporin stuff works well – provides pretty decent coverage and smells a bit like oranges.

Who doesn’t want soft lips and the sweet smell of oranges, huh? NO ONE.


Previously In the Name of Science
Ziploc vs. Gladware
Robitussin PM vs. NyQuil
Ragu Light vs. Healthy Choice
More than you wanted to know about Seasonale

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 28, 2005 | |   

Mail call
If you emailed me to get a gently used, free book – you are awesome. Thank you for letting me pawn off my old stuff to you in the name of “anniversary. “ It is worth noting that I celebrated the blog’s anniversary and didn’t celebrate my wedding anniversary.

I’m one of the top 10 crappiest people alive. The other nine are much more famous than I am – you can fill in the blanks.

Anyway – packages are going out today because who knows what will happen tomorrow. I think it might be a blizzard. Deeps has been talking about his parking strategy for this storm since SATURDAY.

Shut up about it already.

You’ll get a nice school bus yellow padded mailer and a little note (on genuine Post-It Notes TM) from me with your book. What you’ll learn is that I write like a 3rd grader on the road to becoming a serial killer.

By the way, if you still want to get in on the HOT, FREE, BOOK ACTION it is not too late. I’ll accept emails with requests and mailing addresses until tomorrow morning at 6 AM ET. Go nuts!

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 28, 2005 | |   

Righteous indignation link of the day
I feel a trend coming on – these are far too easy to find people…

Make it a challenge for me!

Via Adam at A Violently Executed Blog (which is always a good read): Kentucky student arrested for threatening story.

The best part is the threat in said story.

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 28, 2005 | |   

Worst fears confirmed!
I need to pick a better time to hit the gym than 9 on Sunday morning. I was up earlier, but I thought I should eat something before trying to burn calories… otherwise I get all mean and – what? I’m already mean you’re thinking. Oh buddy, you don’t know from mean.

Anyway, I was cross training my heart out – with stupid Simpson sisters on TV (I am ambivalent to them – but if forced to watch, I can imagine creating some sort of drinking game); CNN; an interview with the Governator; scary Fox News and some kind of weather thing.

I was mostly watching the Ashlee because man – is that stuff funny. What an idiot. And I really enjoy the creepy weird interactions with her father. He is nuts and totally bent on world domination. Or at least domination of US Weekly.

At one point I started laughing so hard I nearly fell off the elliptical trainer (of doom) – I got such dirty looks. Get over it ladies. I smell and I wear a t-shirt that says “Skunks” on it – what do you expect?

A few minutes later I looked over to see a weather report – we’re supposed to get another big storm and it seems like we’re going to get snow. And lots of it – measured in feet, not inches. I made rude sounds that apparently offended the woman next to me. Good thing she left because the next news item would have killed her, I'm sure.

News of the weird, via Fox was alarming. Apparently a woman found a python in her toilet.

Fox News - what are you trying to tell me? THAT MY TOTALLY UNFOUNDED, IRRATIONAL FEAR SUDDENLY BECAME FOUNDED AND RATIONAL.

I won’t lie – I get up in the middle of the night when nature calls. I often pee in the dark because the stupid light switch is OUTSIDE the bathroom (I have no idea why – this place is rigged to high heaven).

Does this mean I have to make toilet inspections? I can handle a lot of traumas but a snake in the loo might just send me right over the edge.

And oh my god – I’m going to have nightmares.

By: Alyssa | Sunday, February 27, 2005 at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

Boy meets camel
I don’t have any stories from India – but Deeps has a few whoppers. I know a lot of people who have traveled to India over the past few years, but I never heard a story quite like this one.

Two words: HI-larious.

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

Nightmare on some street

I took pictures! I would have taken more pictures - but the creepy real estate broker kept lurking. I need to privacy to make fun of your horrible "condo".

When we arrived (up a horrific staircase - which I did not shoot, sorry) we were told the place was a recent "conversion" - or possibly a recently victim of the blitz. I have no idea what that "extra" door is for - apparently it is a "feature."

Deeps and I want to get into the condo conversion business - where apparently you wave a magic wand and say "Where once a crappy student apartment lay - I proclaim thee to be a condo!" All this could be yours for too much money.

Be thankful we cannot transmit smell over the Interweb.  

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

If you would like the pimp hat, Elvis glasses and faux shearling (pimp?) coat - you'll need to increase your bid. However, we are happy to include the dirty laundry (pictured above) at no additional cost. 

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

No expense was spared! Off of the "master" bedroom was a room painted (with the best paint job ever!) in a sort of gruesome oxblood. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. It was not a good idea. Oxblood may be a good color for shoes or handbags - but never walls in a home you're trying to sell.  

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

The paint job gets better - please enjoy this professional quality renovation. No detail was overlooked.  

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

Last days of disco
And free books - I'm sending them out on Tuesday. I've had a lot of takers - and still have a few titles left. I'd like to push Asylum because I thought it was a magnificent book - and I also have a deep love of Laurie Notaro (and her latest book I Love Everybody and Other Atrocious Lies).

Check the updated list to see what's still available!

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

Breaking up is hard to do
I’d left a message earlier in the week for my friends CC and The French Connection (FC) about meeting up for open houses or lunch or whatever on Sunday.

CC called us back and left a message while we were driving around the suburbs asking ourselves, “Can we live here? Where’s the bus? Oh my god – where do these people eat?”

CC: Hey it’s CC – sorry it took so long to get back to you, but we’ve been kind of swamped. And FC has a big presentation on Monday so she’s not going anywhere. And I need to catch up on grading papers – so that’s the long answer. We’re blowing you off this weekend, but things should be much better next week. Plus – our real estate agent said it maybe wasn’t a good idea to shop with another couple for houses…. But she might be nuts. Anyway, call us and we’ll sort (BEEP)

I stopped the message and called them immediately. I’d actually been wondering when the agent-in-question would put her foot down. I’d heard some stories from FC about her, and while she seems incredibly thorough – she also sounds kind of nuts. Or in the words of FC – obsessed with all the things that will be important for resale, but since we haven’t moved in yet… it seems a bit premature.

Especially when you consider that we live the third looniest real estate market in America. Based on some of the crap I’ve seen – people will live anywhere and buy anything in this town. All this concern about “resale” instead of – gee, is this a good place for us to spend the next 3-30 years is annoying. You don’t want to annoy The French Connection (although when you do, hilarity ensues in the form of French swearing!).

I talked with CC and FC (in the background – the show is always on over there!) while Deeps drove us further into the 'burbs. We laughed about the crazy agent lady and created a treaty with regards to our mutual hunts: we’ll sometimes go together (because the show – she is so good!), we’ll certainly have a debrief session afterwards (over food – preferably BBQ), we’ll pass along anything we’re not interested in to the other couple, and we will all find places we love and buy them THIS YEAR. Oh, and we go out together as a group – we’ll drive because our car has power locks.

We’re all happy with this outcome – I didn’t want them to feel bound by our search areas and criteria, and vice-versa – regardless of how much they overlap. And we still get to see the show pretty regularly.

And isn’t that the most important thing? The hilarious stories you can tell afterward?

(Yes dear readers, I know you prefer photos to illustrate them as well.... I will not fail you this weekend.)

By: Alyssa | at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | |   

Please commence your righteous indignation
I don't care what color your state is - if you're a middle-classer (or an aspiring middle-classer or just work for a living) this story will probably rub you the wrong way.

By: Alyssa | Friday, February 25, 2005 at Friday, February 25, 2005 | |   

Steamier
I steamed with the Swiss Kriss last night (aka day 2 of the experiment) – in the time since my first and second steams I have made a point of telling every single woman I know about the magic of laxative flakes.

Sure I get a weird look, but then I get the closer look of – wow your skin does look good.

It does, jerks – spend $4.39 and live it up!

My skin is clearer – the tiny bumps that you might feel but won’t see – are almost all gone. My pores look clearer.

I was thinking that I’d probably get a facial in a few weeks (belated birthday gift) and then do steams for maintenance because my pores would be clear and amazing.

I don’t have kids, so I worry about my pores. Do not judge or underestimate the power of clear skin.

By: Alyssa | at Friday, February 25, 2005 | |   

Don’t ask – 10 years
I never thought it was a good idea. But no one cares what I think.

This morning I saw a little bit on the news with a local Massachusetts Congressman, Marty Meehan, talking about the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. There’s been a big study and surprise – the results of the study say it is a stupid, stupid idea.

I have no extra special love politicians – but sometimes I feel compelled in a very This Is Not Over type of way to email them about it.

So I used the magic of the Interweb to email him.

Dear Mr. Meehan:

I'm not technically in your district - I'm just next to it in Cambridge - but I saw you on TV this morning and felt compelled to write.

Thanks for raising the red flag on the study on Don't Ask, Don't Tell. In light dwindling recruitment numbers for the Army and National Guard I have a really hard time justifying turning anyone away who is ready to fight for the US.

I'm not ready to do it - but I applaud anyone who chooses to. Keep fighting the good fight and raising hell. (Does the FCC regulate email because I don't want them coming down on me.) I'm alarmed on a daily basis by the creepy erosion of my basic rights. I just got pre-approved for a home mortgage and was freaked out to see the special page requesting information in compliance with the Patriot Act.

That's another can of worms - but I wanted to know I was very happy and proud to see you on TV this morning speaking out on the issue.

Well done.

Alyssa Boehm

By: Alyssa | at Friday, February 25, 2005 | |   

Book count
I finished Stranger Things Happen (which is still up for grabs –if you’re interested the blog without pity’s anniversary extravaganza) – which I cannot recommend enough. It’s a great collection of short stories that are weird and fantastical and imaginative and captivating. I’ll be looking for more works by Kelly Link in the future.

I’m about a third of the way through Anne Rivers Siddons book The House Next Door that is one of those quiet, urban ghost stories. From my understanding, Siddons writes pretty straightforward literary novels – but one day decided to write a haunted house story.

The book is really very good. Even if it starts sucking from now until the end – I’d still recommend it. And if you don’t like “horror” I would doubly recommend this title because it’s about the horror of everyday living reflected in the shiny windows of a new home.

By the way – would you like a free (gently used, and read, and liked) book? Of course you would! Check out the list of titles and let me know what you’d like along with your mailing address.

Books go out next week! Time is running out….

By: Alyssa | at Friday, February 25, 2005 | |   

Free Booty
Whoops – that should have been books.

Free Books – from me, to you. For the anniversary of the Big Red Blog – the blog without pity. It has been three years. Wow. I have accomplished so little.

I thought about giving away red stuff, but then I’d have to shop and buy red stuff – so I opted to give away books I actually liked and read recently. Free used books – from me. Can you think of anything more delicious?

Chocolate cake? Well – there will be no cake. I’m sorry. I can’t fit it in one of those little padded mailer things from the post office.

If you would like a book, pleae tell me what title you might like and maybe a back-up choice – along with your mailing address. Books go out next week! Please email alyssa@alyssaboehm.com

Titles up for grabs:
(this list may expand or change – so check back):
Hell House
Stranger Things Happen
The Eyre Affair
The Killer Inside Me
Flynn
Not the End of the World
Sophie
Joe College
Carter Beats the Devil
I Love Everybody (and other atrocious lies)
Asylum
The Cement Garden
Dr. Haggard’s Disease

Various and sundry disclaimers:
Please limit one title per person – don’t be greedy.
Family members are not eligible – unless you beg. Don’t try anything funny.
I’ll delete your shipping info after I ship stuff out – because I don’t care about it and I’m not going to do anything with it. I have no Christmas card list – sorry.
I have no idea about mailing overseas – but email me and we’ll work something out.
These books have been sufficiently broken in – and they’re all paper back titles.
I am going to the post office people – do you know when I last did that? In 1999 – I hate that place. But I do it for you.

By: Alyssa | Thursday, February 24, 2005 at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

Steamy
I noticed a few tell-tale bumps on my chin. Nothing major – but when I ran my fingers over it, you could feel them. Build-up leads to breakouts.

I just spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $15 million to go to Italy for a 4 day weekend, my skin will look good. Sure it is months away… but I like to be prepared. After all – most of the people are coming from L.A. so I’ll look freakish to them as I am pale (I prefer to think of myself as alabaster).

I told asked Deeps to drop by Whole Foods after he picked me up from Harvard Square. We popped over to the “health” aisle and I found some sweet young thing.

ME: I’m looking for the Kriss Swiss laxative flakes.
SYT: Oh – Swiss Kriss, they’re right here.
ME: Thank you.

I did not mention they were for my face – but I did quickly turn the box around to read the info that Rachel had mentioned.

We raced back home before “LOST” started and I waited a few minutes. According to Rachel the flakes smell bad – so I was trying to figure out some strategies. I thought I’d go the mouth breather route. And I planned to keep the eyes closed so as not to get sweat in my eye (gross).

I boiled some filtered water, dissolved some flakes, let it settle for a few – and then steamed away. Mouth breathing is the way to go – I didn’t have any problems with the smell or lingering after effects.

And like any good steam – it makes the face look good. The bumps are diminished a bit, but I’ll keep an eye on them. This morning, I look like Snow-freaking-White (except without the elves or chirping birds).

I guess I will follow the suggested “regime” by steaming again for another few days and then going to a once-a-week steam.

If I can get good results for $4.39 – well then – I don’t care how much my husband makes fun of me and my butt flakes.

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

Not exactly how you feel…
I am married to a man of Indian descent - the unstoppable and amazing Deeps. His family is from Mumbai, India – he was born in Queens.

I’d like to tell you how bizarre people act when they learn this fact. Not everyone – just a few people. But it has happened enough…

So I’ll answer these few questions.

No – I did not see Monsoon Wedding. Or Bend it Like Beckham. I am familiar with the Kumars at #42. Thanks.

No one ever asks me about Naveen Andrews who is an actual Indian dude (okay - Brit born, of Indian descent - and smokin' hot) on a big hit TV show. But whatever.

I’m not sure what I can relate this too – the closest is maybe something Zander wrote about Will and Grace and how people (dumb girls apparently) say he reminds them of Will.

Jesus.

People – I appreciate you are trying to find some like - cultural point of reference, but give it a rest. FYI - I’m not an Indian. And so far nothing I’ve seen on TV or film has related to my experience with his family at all… ever.

When, exactly, was the last time television resembled your real life? How about a movie?

Thank you. That is all…

I'll resume my much less bitter programming in mere moments.

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

Snow people unite

For one brief and shining moment... Frosty was magnificent to behold. 

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

In front of the Massachusetts statehouse - someone was more creative with a pylon and a length of chain. I guess Frosty wasn't going anywhere. Sadly, when I passed by later that day - Frosty and Snow Lady had been utterly destroyed. 

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

I walked through Boston Common on Tuesday and saw that someone had been busy building snow folks. 

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

In translation
Deeps and I were driving to the train station this morning listening to NPR. I make running commentaries to the radio… because I can. (I have a host of other reasons - but will require another entry - possibly in book form.)

This morning’s commentary was about a story by Don Gonyea about President Bush’s statements in Germany about Iran (and their nuclear aspirations, standing with the US and Europe).

Basically, this blurb on the NPR site sums up the statements I took issue with:

President Bush is in Germany for discussions with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on NATO's future and Iran's nuclear program. The president Tuesday denied the United States is planning military action against Iran, but then added that "all options are on the table." Wednesday, the president emphasized that "diplomacy is just beginning."

Me: Wait – was that like a Jedi Mind trick?
Deeps: I’m sorry – are you talking to me?

Indeed.

By: Alyssa | at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | |   

And that’s the Chicago way
When I was a naïve farm girl from Indiana (okay, I never lived on a farm – but I lived near a farm) I went to college in the big bad Northeast (in Western Massachusetts).

One day while sitting in my Newswriting class I remember being utterly aghast at a story my professor was sharing about one James “Whitey” Bulger, notorious mobster. He’s also the brother of Bill Bulger (at the time he was speaker of the house in MA and later became head of UMass) – powerful Massachusetts politico.

I was aghast because it was something of an open secret (there was no proof at the time – and to do this day Billy denies any involvement) that maybe powerful Billy tipped off Whitey that the Feds were on his tail – thus allowing Whitey to flee prosecution. Whitey has been on the run for years.

I remember thinking “This would not fly in Indiana – they don’t put up with such blatant abuses of power.” Which is probably still true – but whatever.

My naiveté is funnier given that after college I moved to a city where “Vote early, vote often” is the unofficial motto – beautiful Chicago. I love that city.

Now if you’ve been to Chicago you know that Mayor Daley rules with an iron fist and leaden tongue. He’s got a way with words.

But he’s not the only uhm – colorful – political character in Chicago-land or even Illinois. There are so many to choose from, but my all-time favorite is … well it is a place more than a single person. I love Cicero.

To quote the Chicagoist – Cicero started as a small mob-run town (by Al Capone no less) and now is a small town fraught with lots of controversy – including the firebrand, convict, and former town council president (mayor) Betty Loren-Maltese.

She took over… look, there’s enough to this story (see the links above) to be like seven books. And a mini-series.

The point is Betty’s handpicked minion Mr. Ramiro Gonzalez – may have been overthrown by the electorate. That’s breaking news, man – 4 reporters worth! Please enjoy this article… featuring the greatest buried quote ever:

Critics, including Dominick (ed. The guy who won), castigated Gonzalez (ed. The guy who lost) for using the office as an employment agency for relatives. Dominick says about 20 relatives are on the town's payroll, but town spokesman Omar Duque has said it is "in single digits."

Only in the single digits – because that is the Chicago way.

By: Alyssa | Wednesday, February 23, 2005 at Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | |   

Garlic on my fingers makes me (un)happy
I’m not really much of a cook. I lack imagination, time and initiative.

That said I’ve tried to re-discover the wonders of cooking. It is satisfying to eat a meal (especially when said meal is tasty) that you make yourself. And you can save a few bucks along the way.

I’ve been cooking more in the new place (which is ironic given that I lost my gourmet kitchen and now cook in the Hell’s Kitchen) than I did in the old place. My biggest challenge is time. By the time I get home, figure out what I’m going to make and then make it – well dinner rolls in around 8:00 or later.

Which isn’t a big deal – except that when I get home from work I am as ravenous as a 16-year-old boy and will eat anything I can get my hands on. And that’s the big problem.

A few weeks back I rediscovered my crockpot – an item I’d purchased for a chili cook-off – and hadn’t used in at least 4 years. But I’ve dragged it to three apartments because it is a perfectly good crockpot.

I found a few recipes online and started crockpot cooking again. The idea that I could come home to dinner – hot and warm and waiting – was so utterly delightful I almost lost my mind. Deeps was less impressed, until he came home to hot warm dinner waiting for him. Then he changed his tune.

The first crockpot experiment was a chicken and wild rice dish – it was tasty, but we both agreed that the rice was too mushy for our tastes. Otherwise, it was a success.

The next crockpot experiment was not as great – I made “Italian chicken” and potatoes. It was “Italian” you see because the recipe called for 1/2 a cup of “Italian” dressing. Whatever. This is the kind of culinary wonders you find in your Jay-cees fundraiser cookbook.

The potatoes took a long time to cook – but held their shape. The chicken basically disintegrated it was so tender. It tasted okay, but wasn’t very visually pleasing.

Then we had a crockpot incident that involved poor wiring in the kitchen and the melting of my crockpots power cord!

We got a new space-age crockpot this weekend because I am not ready to give up the ghost. I named her Sparkle and she’s over 5 quarts (enough for 5 people – according to the box) and she has her own timer!

I awoke a few minutes early this morning to assemble today’s culinary experiment – Paprika Chicken. The nice thing about crockpot recipes is that there’s a very good chance the name of the recipe includes 50% or more of the ingredients. This recipe calls for various vegetables, chicken and paprika. And cloves of fresh garlic.

I work with a lot of fresh garlic – I like the smell and the taste. But I realized I’ve never worked with fresh garlic in the morning before I leave for work.

So my fingers stink of garlic. I’ve washed and scrubbed and used a bit of lemon juice and did the stainless steel trick.

The fingers still stink. They don’t smell as bad – but when I put my fingers really close to my nose, I can smell the garlic.

I guess I should just stop doing that.

By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | |   

FYI
If you leave your cell phone on and then go away for a while – and your phone rings every two minutes for the next 128 hours…. Then beeps incessantly because you have a “message” – there is a chance you might find said cell phone (offense to nature and me) floating in the toilet.

I'm just saying.

By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | |   

Things that go beep in the night
I am nearly blind as a bat – thankfully contact lenses can correct that.

My other senses are more powerful than my eyesight – so there’s probably some sort of cosmic balance in that.

For example, I can often taste something and break down the components. I have a lot more success with savory vs. sweet – but I’ve always been surprised by this ability. I suppose it is because I have a passing interest in cooking, and if I find something interesting I like to replicate it.

And really – who in a moment of boredom hasn’t sampled flavors from the spice rack?

My sense of smell has been the subject of several posts as well as … incidents in my marriage. Apparently men do not has as well-defined a sense of smell as women (at least my husband doesn’t) so we have a lot of conversations about “What is that smell?” quickly followed by “What smell?”

The smell thing is a source of great irritation – because when a smell is bad, it is hard to escape. My sense of smell has saved us from certain death a couple of times, including a recent incident in which the shoddy electrical wiring in our kitchen caused some plugs to melt slowly.

I smelled the weird chemical smell (which I identified very specifically as formaldehyde) and found the source of the problem – averting some level of disaster. Alas, I was unable to save my crockpot.

I also have pretty good hearing. I attribute this to the fact that while I loved some music as a kid – I’m not a huge music lover. I don’t hate music, but I don’t love it the same way I love books or movies. I didn’t go to lots of concerts. I think my hearing has benefited from my lack of musical interest.

So for several weeks I’ve been hearing this beep. It is quiet and far away – but in the house. I started checking smoke detectors and cell phones. The microwave. The cable modem. The router. The cable box. Anything with a plug has been inspected for the source of the beeping.

The beeping was intermittent - and sometimes you didn’t hear it for hours. This made determining the source rather difficult. I heard it for a few weeks before Deeps mentioned he’d heard it as well. We lived with the weird beeping for more than 6 weeks.

I should note that I suspect Deeps suffers from LOUD TELEVISION syndrome (I believe induced by his father – who, in a quest to learn English, watched TV very loudly – and continues to do so). He watches at approximately 4000 decibels. Most of our conversations that aren’t about smell are related to how loud something is. Can you turn that down? What?

We figured out the beeping must be coming from the old ladies side of the building. Luckily, she’s away on vacation and we have a key – she asked us to look in on her cat – the search for the beeping was on.

We saw a lot of things over there – including the world’s saddest old lady cat. And the smell of old lady was strong. What causes such a smell? I shudder to find out.

At last, in the basement we found the beeping. It was coming from a smoke detector sitting on an old table.

“I have no idea why this is here,” Deeps said as he pulled the battery out.
“Me either – maybe it was for our apartment – since I had to install all the damn smoke detectors,” I muttered.
“Maybe she was keeping the basement safe,” Deeps replied.

Maybe – but I want to know who will keep us safe from the old lady – and her incessant beeping.

By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | |   

Slow learning
I wish that was a big trend like slow eating, but whatever.

Deeps and I were talking about what we’ve learned from each other during our eight+ years of co-habitation.

I learned how to be better organized and tidier from Deeps. I also learned about the magic of laundry – mostly because I never did mine and he did his ever freakin’ week.

From me – well this is where things break down. I taught him how to cook a few things, but they never really took.

And I taught him how to drive a stick shift – again, it never really took.

I mean cooking spaghetti is not hard. Especially when one considers my house is cluttered with bits of paper with long, complicated mathematics equations. He’s no dummy. This is also the same man who taught himself rudimentary French on the fly, in Paris, so that he could read the Arts section of newspapers and create itineraries for us each day.

He did suggest that he’s a better dresser with my influence. Which I would agree with – but in fairness, he was a broke grad student until a few years ago. Once he got a job, he upgraded his wardrobe with little prompting or supervision.

I did teach him about the wonder of a good haircut. So I guess that is something.

It is worth noting that in almost the same period of time I have taught the cat how to:
answer to her own name (and a couple of nicknames),
to stay off the counter,
to come when I whistle,
when I get up
a series of hand gestures that she responds to for various “quiet” commands – like when it’s 3 AM and people are trying to sleep

I’m going to have to run the numbers again – but something about this whole scenario doesn’t seem right.

By: Alyssa | Tuesday, February 22, 2005 at Tuesday, February 22, 2005 | |   

From me to you
The concealer brush is the best possible way to apply creamy concealer – for those who wake with dark circles under their eyes no matter how much they sleep (thanks Mom).

You’d think it wouldn’t be that different from a bit of light dabbing with the finger, by my friend, you would be wrong.

If you color your hair – please you do not think red hair just grows – then you can usually slide by an extra month between colorings by using a color enhancing shampoo like Frederic Fekkai’s or most any kind that you find in a salon. The key is that it lightly deposits color. You can buy a bottle for $20 or less and use it once a week for a year.

Laxative flakes make your skin better – this laxative steaming trend is sweeping the country.

Babies don’t like loud noises.

Lift with your legs, not with your back.

Cats like catnip. And sleeping. Anywhere. At anytime. In almost any position.

Dogs like to hang their heads out of windows while you drive. And chasing squirrels.

Sunscreen makes a difference.

You may need to take a break from shopping online when you don’t know what is in the box that is sitting on your front porch.

Crockpots are more useful than you think – but no one uses them enough.

A jerk in Cambridge will try to sell you a $415K hovel and call it charming, while maintaining a straight face.

By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, February 22, 2005 | |   

My mother the eBayer
Several years ago (before Y2K!) my mother and stepfather (Big D) moved into a lovely ranch-style home in Indiana.

Mom was really into the idea of doing some creative decorating – including hanging an antique crank-style phone on the wall. She mentioned this to me on the phone and suggested that she was having a hard time finding one that looked good and was within her acceptable price range. (The frugalness is hereditary apparently.)

Me: Have you tried eBay?
Mom: What’s that?

And on that day, a monster was born.

She started with hand crank coffee grinders from the turn of the century. Then some other stuff. And of course – the big phone. But she didn’t stop there – she kept going. She bought a lot of cool stuff.

Now – years later – the woman is an eBay power seller. Who would have known? There is no longer a guest room; she has an eBay room. The once large living room now seems small and is filled with beautiful cabinets displaying colorful glass antiques.

That’s her new specialty – glass. She and Big D have developed an extraordinary fondness for slag and custard glass. What is it? I have no idea – except it’s old and fragile and precious to collectors.

As a non-collector, I do not see the enormous appeal – but then I am the mutant freak child who likes to throw things away. When my Nana died we found old Christmas cards to people she did not know from people she did not know – other people’s mail. Nan was a packrat.

Just the other day I clicked on the link that appears at the end of every single one of my mother’s messages: check out my latest eBay auctions. She has amassed over 1400 feedbacks – in the same amount of time I’ve cracked 50.

During the leaner times a few years back, the eBay efforts helped pay a few bills when business slowed down for Big D. It paid for my their new van, their trip to New Jersey for my Indian wedding. It pays for diapers and toys for the kids.

And eBay has turned a woman who barely used a computer into the computer guru of the women in her over-50 group. She’s taught them about clearing caches, cookies, digital cameras, FTP and a host of other things that I take for granted.

She’s learned about approximately 4000 various high-speed Internet options from satellite feeds to the more vanilla DSL solutions. Of course, none of those options are available to her since she is out on the boonies. So the woman with so much going on online every day is stuck with a 56K dial-up. It is a source of endless frustration for her.

In these modern times, I think every kid teaches her mother something about the computer at some point – but I don’t know if every kid gets the chance to see what happens when Mom becomes master of her Interweb domain.

By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, February 22, 2005 | |   

Eavesdropper
I was standing in line at the Chic-Fil-A on Saturday – what? I had to eat! – and listened to a couple of weird conversations.

One involved a guy with some kind of walkie-talkie phone talking to someone (his wife?). He kept saying “Soup?” loudly. He must have repeated it 34 times in the span of 1 minute. I hated him. And I have no idea if he got his stupid soup. Who gets soup from the Chick-Fil-A? You go there for the waffle fries. Duh.

The woman behind me was particularly vicious as she talked about her dead neighbor on her mobile phone.

Vicious Lady: Yes – she’s dead. She died two weeks ago. They just found her this morning.
(pause)
Yeah – I guess her kid had the cops break in. Her daughter tried calling several times but no one ever answered.
(pause)
She said it was a total sty inside. Yeah, well you saw the outside of that house. It was about a thousand times worse inside.

I turned around at that and gave her a look – it was withering – and assessed her outside. Nowhere near as ugly as her inside.

By: Alyssa | Monday, February 21, 2005 at Monday, February 21, 2005 | |   

Alitalia here I come
We finally booked our trip to Florence this morning. I had to find an affordable three-star hotel because someone made a face when I suggested a two-star place.

I love him, he is smart and wonderful – but he’s not one to rough it. And really, that’s my fault. (And his parents – but that’s another entry.) I’ve introduced him to the world of 400 thread-count sheets and king size beds. You can’t keep them down on the farm once they’ve been to Pay-ree.

In related news – the federal and state government owe us just enough money to cover this little jaunt. Hurray!

It is too bad this is all happening at the same time we’re trying to buy a place. I would have liked to stay in Italy a bit longer – but we’re going for a 4 day weekend, so I’ll take what I can take.

And I’ll be sure to bring my elastic waistband pants. He will bring his sweet new sauve outfit because we only bought the tickets 20 minutes ago, and he’s already figured out what to wear.

Men.

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 21, 2005 | |   

And then I woke up and all my money was gone
Deeps, Erin and I went shopping at the always glamorous Burlington Mall on Saturday because we needed girl stuff, Deeps wanted a shirt, and Erin was looking to return a broken microwave. Since she doesn’t have a car – we looped her errand in with ours.

The trip went well – Erin was thrilled to find a Mac store just across from a giant Sephora store. I wanted to buy a few hair elastics for the gym – that was it. Nice and simple.

Then I went inside Sephora and my plan quickly went to pot. I found some new brushes. Shouldn’t I replace my make-up brushes? I could donate the current ones to my gym bag and use the new ones at home. It has been two years.

See how I make bargains with myself? Evil I say.

Then I was looking at my all-time favorite products – the Smashbox line – and suddenly a Sephora lady moved in.

Sephora Lady: Can I help you with something?
ME: Well – I was thinking about looking for some blush, but….
Sephora Lady: I love their line (indicating Smashbox) but I don’t have any of their blushes in. You know, you might like some cream blush….

Then another lady moved in – she had on a handyman’s apron except instead of hammers and screwdrivers she had every manner of make-up brush.
Brush lady: Would you like to try this on? I’d be happy to apply it for you with my patented cream blush brush.
ME: Uhm – sure.

Then a hot gay dude swooped in – complimenting me on the gorgeous color (Peek a boo by Paula Dorf) and my skin and my hair and my eyes. Not a line on your face – and you’re thirty? Have you tried this? With your coloring this would be great… blah, blah, blah…

And then I think I blacked out.

When I came to I found myself holding a big Sephora bag (when you have the big bag you have just spent A LOT of money) and my debit card saying “Thanks!”

I found Erin smuggling out giant samples of $200 face cream.

“We have to leave now,” I whispered urgently. “I think I just spent our rent money on cosmetics.”

Erin laughed then showed me her stash of giant samples of expensive products. “It’s like I made my money back at the buffet in Vegas!”

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 21, 2005 | |   

Experiment in Terror
I stopped by the CVS in Porter Square on Friday night to pick up a couple of things – some cold medicine, gum, lip balm…. Probably some other junk.

I thought I’d check for the Swiss Kriss laxative flakes as they have been touted on the Interweb as a great solution for breakouts on the face. (Hence their affectionate name.)

I had my little plastic basket filled with precious treasures (Maybelline lip gloss for half off! Hurrah!) when I wandered to the aisle with laxatives. I scanned the area for the flakes – but didn’t see them. Then I heard the first cough.

It was like the kind of throat clearing, fake cough you hear when someone is trying to get your attention. I looked up and saw that there were several young (college-age) men in the aisle with me – about 5 or 6. I looked around and realized that in addition to laxatives – this aisle housed the condoms.

Old married lady looking for laxative flakes as a low-rent facial solution was freaking them out. So of course, I linger - because I am evil.

Then I wander over to the condoms and start picking up boxes and reading the labels carefully – keeping an eye on the embarrassed dudes around me.

One guy figured if he left and came back I’d probably be gone. He did that three times. Another guy kept trying to reach for a box of Durex then backing away like it might bite him.

Good times on a Friday night were had by me – let me tell you. I just go back to the idea that if you’re in college and so freaked out about buying condoms, dude you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Just saying. It’s not like you had to talk to a pharmacist. Or a 13 year old girl trying to buy tampons.

You’re an adult for God’s sake – stop being a baby.

I never did find my laxative flakes – but I did thoroughly enjoy my five minutes of freaking out dudes. I so rarely get to do that anymore….

By: Alyssa | at Monday, February 21, 2005 | |   

Open Houses – weekend two: The case of the Million Dollar Hotel
It wasn’t actually $1MM. It was a lot more like $400,000 and had a giant hole in the floor. And the kitchen would need to be bombed and then we’d have to pull together some modern-age Marshall Plan to rebuild.

Look people – jokes about history. I’m multi-faceted.

That place was in such bad shape – calling it a dump is an insult to the dump. (I’m still kicking myself for not bringing my camera.) The walls were awful, the bathroom was disgusting – the place was an utterly charmless hovel. No offense to hovels.

Then we went to a $2.5 MM OH (that’s the street lingo for open house). This was strictly a drive by – as we saw a big sign and turned up the hill.

Deeps: Did you note what street this is?
ME: Yes.
Deeps: It would appear to be on the pricier end of the city.
ME: (in light tirade mode) I know – but I want to get actual empirical data. I don’t want to guess about places. Maybe it’s a condo or something. It may be out of our price range, but I just want to know. I’m tired of making assumptions without necessarily having the facts. I would like to make a dispassionate, rational decision base on having actual real facts.
Deeps: Okay. I understand. (parks)

We look up and realize that the house is a single-family Victorian house – a genuine antique that was beautifully maintained.

ME: Oh my God – we cannot go in there…. It is totally out of our league. We’re going to look like a couple of hayseeds.
Deeps: What about getting facts and making dispassionate decisions?

I put my head in my hands.

We went inside – I panicked for a brief moment as I realized that we’d appear to be frauds. But it didn’t really matter, because what I learned about open houses is that everyone shows up – whether they can buy or not. People like to snoop through other people’s houses. Especially rich people’s houses.

Also – the rich people in this house needed to throw some crap away. Yeesh. I was comforted by the fact that even though I live in the kingdom of the spiders, my apartment is not cluttered with crap. Not treasures - run-of-the-mill junk.

Finally, we went to a little 2 bedroom that was a bit too small – but it seemed oddly familiar. We walked into the place and saw the living room – which had our living room furniture. And a big fat cat – not unlike Dana – lounging on the sofa.

As we walked through the place, making encouraging noises (which I must admit, I feel obligated to do) – Deeps noted that the people who owned the place had nice stuff.

“It’s like they’re the kind of people we could be friends with,” he said as he acknowledged their giant wall-mounted flat-screen TV and later their wireless hub for their G4 PowerBooks.

“Maybe we should leave them a note,” I suggested. But then I decided against it, as I tried to figure out how to steal their very friendly three-legged cat which I dubbed Tripod.

As if he could read my mind, Deeps pushed me to the door by my elbow, “Leave that cat alone!”

By: Alyssa | Sunday, February 20, 2005 at Sunday, February 20, 2005 | |   

This one time, at Playboy
Approximately 4000 years ago I briefly toyed with the idea of working for Playboy.com as an Interactive Producer.

I’d gotten a call about my resume and figured I should go interview because when would I get a chance to do that again? And in the back of my mind I thought it might make a good story.

I pulled together my resume and a small portfolio and headed over to their headquarters near Michigan Avenue. I waited for a few minutes in their incredibly gorgeous lobby – two stories with a glass balcony, the walls paneled in gorgeous deep wood tones and a gigantic coppery bunny sculpture suspended from the top of the wall.

We interviewed – I don’t really recall much. It was just a pretty standard interview. People were nice; I walked around and met some of the folks in the department. We talked about their plans. I noted that a lot of women worked in the department. And then I went home.

That’s when I got to thinking: Can I work for Playboy? Really?

I’m not a prude and I consider myself a modern, feminist woman – can I do it? I decided to start conducting some experiments. Primarily, my exposure to skin mags and porn was pretty limited. Girls don’t have the same coming of age moment with Playboy as boys do – where your dad or cool uncle hands over a vintage copy or something.

I guess girls just have the awkward bra-buying moment with their mothers.

Anyway, my exposure was pretty limited. So I set about to conduct an experiment – would porn freak me out? Would I get weirded out looking at nude pictures all day? What exactly was I getting myself into?

I resolved I wouldn’t spend any real cash – but I did pick up a Playboy mag, watched a few things on “Cinemax After Dark” and surfed the Web for free pictures.

All of my friends knew about the experiment and were curious about what I thought. I reported back that I found most of the movie stuff kind of cold and boring – and absolutely the opposite of erotic or titillating.

And it was clear to me that the stuff that was on “Cinemax” was probably pretty good by soft-core standards in that sometimes there was a story or implication of a story. Plus I noted that the lighting, the stories, the set decoration was all created to appeal to women – so that there’d be all this crossover porn. Like, it’s not your dad’s porn – you and your girlfriend can watch it together.

I thought Playboy magazine was okay – it positioned itself as “thinking man’s girlie mag.” The pictures were Photoshopped all to hell and the articles were somewhat interesting. But I’d take a back issue of Sassy most days of the week.

Now the point of sharing this story with you, dear reader, is this: I believe that the referral log for my site supports my theory that ultimately – most porn is boring, unerotic and uninteresting. Look – even Roger Ebert agrees with me.

I’ve gotten an ungodly amount of traffic for a variety of … let’s call them “colorful” search terms. It’s clear that people aren’t coming here looking for funny stories about squirrels or my advice about the perfect messenger bag or what book I’m reading or because they are agonizing about buying a home.

They’re typing in some phrase and then going through hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pages of returns in Google – and then clicking on my page. If you came here looking for “sexy nude senior ladies” or “big boobies” – well you are just plain out of luck.

Sorry.

By: Alyssa | Friday, February 18, 2005 at Friday, February 18, 2005 | |   

We’re not friends but…
I couldn’t help but find myself agreeing with Bill Maher: Kids say the darndest, most Stalinist things

By: Alyssa | at Friday, February 18, 2005 | |   

Three-year Anniversary Contest
Can you believe it, Interweb? The blog without pity has been kicking around for nearly three years. And to celebrate, I’m having a contest-type thing.

Here’s the deal, in honor of the 50-book challenge – I’m giving away books I’ve read recently. But only the ones I liked – and you can pick which book you want. Oh yeah – they’re my own personal, “gently-used” copies. What do you care? They’re free.

Send me an email at alyssa at alyssaboehm.com and include your name and mailing address and tell me which book you’d like. First come first serve – so write early. Include a couple of alternative choices. Family members are not eligible to win – so don’t try nothing funny, girls. One book per household - so don't get greedy. I'm not totally sure about mailing outside North America - but let's cross that bridge when we come to it, please send your request anyway.

And if you’re so inclin