From the always delighful
CitySlicker MomQ)What were you doing 10 years ago?I was in college and home in Indiana for winter break. I suspect I was scheming how I’d get back to school early to hang out with K.
Q)What were you doing 1 year ago?I had the most miserable cold/flu/plague ever thanks to my darling nieces and nephews from my trip home at Christmas. Thanks kids!
Five snacks I enjoy:Pub Mix from Costco (I call it crack mix)
Kashi Go Lean Crunch
Apples
Pringles BBQ Fat Free (don’t judge – they taste weird and pleasing to me)
Nutri Grain Cereal bars – strawberry or mixed berry
Five songs to which I know all the lyricsPlease…
Five things I would do if I were a millionaire: Pay off all debt
Get some super swanky capped teeth like I'm a celebrity
Hire a personal trainer for every day
Go on a swanky vacation for weeks and weeks with Deeps
Set up college funds for my nieces and nephews
Five bad habits: Wasting money on dumb stuff
Nagging my husband
Picking at my finger nails
Mindless snacking
Ordering in instead of cooking
Five things I like doing:Hanging out with my husband – especially if he has a hilarious story
Going to the movies
Doing house projects – especially if my drill or saws are involved
Hanging out with friends and family
Writing or blogging
Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:Jeans with any kind of spandex in them
DuWop Lip Venom
Horizontal stripes
Nylon shirts
Pantyhose – unless it is an absolute emergency
Five favorite toys:Laptop
Digital camera
Flash drive
Sawzall
Toro leaf blower/vacuum/mulcher
So here's the deal: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot
Big red blog
Greensunflower
me vs. rut
ala carter
Unhip
Then select five people to tag:NabbaliciousJascloMilkweed HillPoppy CedesLook at me. I'm so important that I have a blog.Labels: 2005, internet
By: Alyssa | Saturday, December 31, 2005 at Saturday, December 31, 2005 | | 
Our house’s national television debutI guess
we missed it.
It was last week. I caught the end of it late at night (like 11:30 PM late!). So I guess that means they are burning off episodes because the show isn’t coming back.
Or maybe it is and it just has a really crappy timeslot.
Regardless,
our house has been on TV and it is famous. How does the house feel about it? Hard to say. The house keeps her opinions to herself – except she does seem to be unhappy with the bedroom wall color because there’s some funk spot showing through. Delightful.
I only caught the end of it. I think there was some manufactured drama with the handyman and the designer lady. It was pretty fake. Or the handyman is a total drama queen – which would be weird and unexpected as handymen tend to be level headed and all about measuring twice and cutting once.
My big takeaway from the episode: you are much paler on camera than you are in person. So if you’re going to be on TV – slap some extra make-up on that mug. You might look like a tart up close, but you’ll show up much better on film.
And
that’s one to grow on.
By: Alyssa | Thursday, December 29, 2005 at Thursday, December 29, 2005 | |
I’ll work on that for 2006Deeps: What?
Me: Hmm…
Deeps: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing.
Deeps: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Like what?
Deeps: Like you’re trying to do something with your mind.
Me: Huh?
Deeps: It’s just creepy.
Me: What?
Deeps: Go chase your tail or something.
Me: …
Deeps: Or play with the Internet.
Me: ...
Deeps: And stop looking at me like that – it’s just rude.
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, December 28, 2005 at Wednesday, December 28, 2005 | |
My husband is jealous of my Christmas giftI got a laptop for Christmas.
Well, for the day after Christmas. I did the smart thing and ordered it from the giant blue box store of doom and then selected the “store pick-up” option which allowed me to fly in and out of the store in less than five minutes. I’m an idiot for not thinking of this before.
But Deeps knew the laptop was coming. In fact – he contributed a healthy chunk of change to the laptop. And then he set up Grandma Death’s (that’s my laptop’s name….she’s cool, she knows stuff) wireless network. And now he’s all “I think we should set some ground rules about laptop time.”
Blah blah – what am I, 13?
In other news – my sister Peepers got her overpriced digital camera and is apparently happy with it even if she doesn’t know how to work it. The young children all liked their books (I mean, their mothers told me and I’m sure none of my sisters would ever lie to me about such things) and Deeps will soon be signed up for a Gentleman’s facial.
All in all, it was a good holiday – we had good times, good food and no one cried. Plus I got to wear sweatpants for like three days. This is a bonus.
Now I have to go because my “laptop” time is up.
This is ridiculous.
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, December 27, 2005 at Tuesday, December 27, 2005 | |
Holiday Binge ReadingI am happy to report that zombie Santa’s adventures did not disappoint – hilarious. And I loved Laurie Notaro’s holiday book. Jasper Fforde makes me laugh and I finished up the last books in his Thursday Next series. I love holiday binging… especially if there are no calories involved.
Oh my God, I sound like some sort of Chicken Soup for the Soul page-a-day calendar.
Someone stage an intervention.
By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, December 27, 2005 | |
Chicken in a biscuitWe were out with a few friends last week. We were at the awesome Thai place that’s down the street – it is where we take everyone who likes Thai food.
We covered a lot of conversation topics: houses, family, holidays, food. Somehow we got on to the topic of weird food that doesn’t make sense. Which I think lead to Chicken in a Biskit.
Friend: What is that?
Me: It’s a chicken flavored cracker – thing.
Friend 2: Oh my God.
Me: This lady I worked with a while ago – her husband loved them. They were his favorite snack.
Friend: That
sounds bad.
Me: I know!
Friend 2: Why? Why would you want that?
Me: Only the people at
Nabisco know.
I briefly considered bringing Chicken in a Biskit crackers to his holiday party but thought that would be tacky. So I brought some biscotti instead.
All I know is that for some people the love of the biskit is the
love that dare not beak its name.
What? You don’t like my puns? Cut me some slack. It is slow during the holidays.
By: Alyssa | Monday, December 26, 2005 at Monday, December 26, 2005 | |
She’s gone and done itMy sisters are nothing if not drama queens.
Bangles presented Slim, grandmother to the gang of 7, with some booties for Christmas.
Yes, baby booties.
We’ll have another fresh one for Christmas 2006. At this rate we’ll be able to field a baseball team by 2007. Because Cuddles will not let another birth go unanswered – I predict she’ll announce her next pregnancy at Christmas 2006.
She hates to be shown up. And I get another year of reprieve. As long as there is a cuddle-age grandchild, no one asks me too many questions.
By: Alyssa | at Monday, December 26, 2005 | |
Please file under “Career Limiting Mistakes”Halle Berry won an Oscar and all she’s got to show for it is Catwoman, Gothika and
Brett Ratner’s 2005 Christmas Card?
For the love of Santa, Halle – you need a better agent!
By: Alyssa | Thursday, December 22, 2005 at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | |
Down Mexico wayYou know how sometimes you are walking along and you see something that is out of place and your brain (perhaps because it is frozen, old or slow) starts telling you “I don’t understand what it is that I’m seeing?” I had some of that yesterday.
I was trotting up Boylston St. towards the Copley T stop when I saw something very bright out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw three women lined up to climb into the back of a brightly lit and well-decorated tractor trailer. It was all glass and inside was a beach scene. It was some kind of living advertisement – a chic diorama if you will – for Mexico.
I saw it again today. I didn’t see anyone pause to stop and say, “Wow! I should book a trip to Mexico.” In fact – what I did see was a series of brief pauses, shakings of heads and bursts of bitter, disgusted laughter.
Something about the collective reaction - to the girls in bikinis under fake light on a fake beach parked next to the premier homeless guy hangout on a cold day - made me feel some kinship with the other weary commuters.
You Bostonians are starting to grow on me.
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | |
My heart did not grow three sizes todayI can’t say the same for my gut – bah-dum-bump! Thank you! Be sure to tip your waitress! (Office workers of America – throw off the chains of oppressive holiday office treats. Reject the paradigm. Reclaim your regular belt loop!)
I did enjoy the photos from the
JP Christmas Caroling Mob. Something about including the word “mob” your holiday activities makes it more palatable to me.
In other news, I smell someone baking again. I think I might have married a Keebler elf by mistake.
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | |
Wicked SmahtI wrote an email to my personal trainer - entitled “A Modest Proposal for 2006” -to talk about some of my fitness goals for the coming year.
Her response was quick and hilarious.
Alyssa:
We’ll discuss the schedule more in January. When I saw your subject line I was really concerned you wanted to talk about eating babies. Glad to hear you’re over that.
See you Thursday,
W
Not only does she make me do push-ups, she’s on top of her
Swiftian references.
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, December 21, 2005 at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | |
Hello Mr. SwoonThe following story is totally true.
I was riding the Greenline (that’s
the T for you non-locals) – as I do many days. The driver might have been going a little faster than normal. We took that little turn near Arlington a bit too quickly. I was leaning against the side of the train – nothing to hold on. And when we hit that turn, I went flying.
I was basically headed into the door and down the stairs. I tried to catch my balance but I couldn’t quite do it. I thought, “I’m totally going to crash. And it is going to hurt.” Despite my general bah-humbug nature, I wasn’t looking forward to a shiner for Christmas.
But suddenly someone caught me by my elbow and I was able to spin around somewhat ungracefully and regain my balance. I looked up and a nice looking man in a beautiful cashmere coat had saved me.
“Are you okay?” he asked with a vaguely European accent. His smile was infectious.
I took a moment to regain my composure and laughed a little. “Yes! Thank you very, very much. Really.”
He smiled down at me. In the fall I’d managed to keep my place in the book I was reading. Without missing a beat I flipped it open and continued to read. After all, I was in a good part.
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, December 20, 2005 at Tuesday, December 20, 2005 | |
Holidays on IceA couple of years ago, before we bought the house – even before we rented the apartment that turned into the Kingdom of the Spiders we visited the Holiday House.
The Holiday House was actually just a few blocks away from our first Cambridge apartment. It was a large, faded house that was always decorated for some holiday: Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, and Christmas. The whole house – yard, lights, patio, balcony, and the works – would be plastered with whatever doodad
struck the owner’s fancy.
We briefly considered living in the holiday house. It was large, it has a really nice closet and it was cheaper than our first place. But there were elves in the front yard and a tiny old woman upstairs. We were torn.
Could we live in the holiday house? Should a
woman who doesn’t really care for the holidays fake like she does so she can save a few bucks on rent?
The landlords seemed inflexible on the issue – to live in the holiday house you must learn to live with the holiday stuff. They didn’t tone it down for the renters. It was their home, their castle and by God they’d decorate it within an inch of its masonry. No brick uncovered. No ornament too gaudy.
Some people thought it was great. “Just think, it is always easy to find,” Deeps pointed out.
One night over dinner with the French Connection and CC, the topic arose.
“What do you think?” I asked the French Connection.
She could barely contain her disgust. “If you live in zee place wis zee elves – I vill shoot you myself.”
Labels: holidays
By: Alyssa | Monday, December 19, 2005 at Monday, December 19, 2005 | |
MPD or Evil Twin?If you don’t watch Nip/Tuck you will not understand or care about our little running bet.
Deeps is not happy with The Carver story. I've found it annoying as well. For a show that resolves big fat story arcs in a couple of episodes, this Carver storyline has held a stranglehold on the show for over a season. Much to the show's detriment.
But no one cares what we think about the actual storyline. Everyone wants to know who the killer is!
Several weeks ago, Deeps predicted that The Carver – the horrific serial disfigur-er, rapist and killer – is someone’s evil twin.
“I would not put it past these people,” Deeps said at the time.
I mulled it over and came to a similar conclusion. “I think the
evil twin is plausible, but I’m going to go with the
I am my own evil twin solution. Someone has Multiple Personality Disorder,” I declared.
And so we’ve tossed our hats in the ring. It doesn’t matter who The Carver is – it’s more a matter of how for us.
And so the games begin tomorrow night. Maybe I should have bet some money on this….
By: Alyssa | at Monday, December 19, 2005 | |
Yours to keepRegular readers, friends, nerds, international visitors, people who arrived here looking for something creepy or vaguely “medical” sounding – please to enjoy this free little organizational tool:
Pocket Mod. I’ve used it myself. I’ve shared it with colleagues and I really like it. You can customize it, print it, and dump it when you're through with it. Plus it is small enough to fit in my wallet which is excellent for noting stuff you need to do or maybe pick up on the way home. Like toothpaste. Because you don’t want to stink.
If you made a resolution to be a bit more organized in 2006 – this is a great little tool to help get you on the right path.
Also – if you are a member of my family and a reader of my blog – you should make 2006 the year you start to throw some crap away. Seriously, you will thank me for it.
By: Alyssa | Sunday, December 18, 2005 at Sunday, December 18, 2005 | |
Summer DreamsSummer, summer, summer. It is magic. And more than six months away. But I’ve started planning for the summer because my dream for summer ’06 is to build a deck.
And apparently my father’s dream for summer ’06 is to build our deck with us – and to bring the rest of the family along to help. Already I’m starting to assemble Team USA (UnSkilled but Able – won’t thank look cute on a t-shirt?) to create the deck along the back of the house.
So far I’ve gotten a couple of our neighbors on board (the key here is to lure the wives with the promise of power tools) and some other friends. Of course it takes VERY little to get Big Al to agree to pile into a car, drive half way across America and act as foreman and do a little manual labor. He lives for this stuff.
I expect by the time we’re actually able to do work our ranks will have swelled to over a dozen. With that much free labor, we might get it done in a couple of days.
Of course, the only thing I have left to figure out: how big will it be, will the town let me build it, can we afford to do it, and will my condo neighbors object. Just a couple of small details. Really.
See, this is why I write about it now. The planning begins on Jan. 3.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, December 18, 2005 | |
Greetings little helpers!
Long time no type!
I know I can’t be bothered to write you individually, respond to your emails, or consider engaging with phone technology – but isn’t this cute? Don’t you see the little reindeer border? That’s cute stuff. I got it at Costco!
Anyway, this year was a big one for the B family. We fought off a vicious squirrel attack (how they could afford F. Lee Bailey, I don’t know!), briefly dallied in synchronized swimming (which failed when one of Deeps little pool wings deflated) and finally decided to buy a house. Oh and the cat finally learned her name – it’s only been 11 years. Good for you, kitty!
Yes our year has been busy and full of blessings: like the mysterious flesh eating scab thing on my thigh. That’s always been a problem area for me and I was fortunate to lose up to 4 pounds and most the feeling in my left leg. When life hands you lemons, make cherry pie!
The mister has done very well for himself. He enjoys wearing a tool belt while doing things like loading the dishwasher. He says it makes him feel like the work is more challenging that way. Isn’t he a deer (like reindeer –hardy, har, har!)?
But our year hasn’t been just biscotti and sparkling wine – we’ve endured our share of tragedies. There was that day in August when the humidity made my hair very, very frizzy and people at the office saw me dabbing sweat from my neck. And then there was that time when we running the dishwasher and the washing machine at the same time I wanted to take a hot shower. I had to wait an additional 15 minutes before I could! But I was strong, friends. I took those 15 minutes to reflect on my life and think about how I could make it better.
I thought we might adopt a child from a third world country, but then forgot as the cool, rich scent of Frederick Fekkai’s glossing cream shampoo filled my nostrils. Delicious.
Where was I?
Oh yes – I wish you and yours a very happy holiday season. Don’t drink and drive and don’t forget to wear your seatbelt! You never know when you might find me behind the wheel of a car in your neighborhood!
*rated s for satire!Labels: 2005, holidays
By: Alyssa | Saturday, December 17, 2005 at Saturday, December 17, 2005 | |
Fall go boomI’ve been a bad blogger this week – see I had a serious crumping accident earlier in the week and that really slowed me down.
I’m kidding- I don’t even know what that is. I wipe out a couple of times on the deadly ice that coats the sidewalks of my town. Thanks neighbors! I walk in the poorly lit street so that I don’t break an ankle, leg, or skull. Then I quietly hope that a speeding car won’t run me down.
It is fun! I love winter.
I’ve been such a bad blogger that I missed exciting things like Nabbalicious’s
creepy fan
club, Jasclo’s
haunted tape dispensers, Mike's
spectacular gym wipeout (I did the exact same thing at a hotel workout room once) and of course that Rachel is
knocked up. See what happens when I am busy for
one week? Chaos!
By: Alyssa | at Saturday, December 17, 2005 | |
The mystery of the opal earringsI’ve been getting a LOT of packages in the mail.
For the past week or more, we’ve found a box or a padded envelope every day.
Yesterday I got a pair of opal earrings. They were addressed to me but I didn’t buy them. And I don’t know who sent them to me for my birthday or perhaps Christmas. I left a message for one person I thought might have sent them. Turns out she wasn’t the culprit.
So now I have a mystery on my hands. Did you send me the earrings? They are very nice and sparkly and dangly. I like them a lot – thanks!
By: Alyssa | Thursday, December 15, 2005 at Thursday, December 15, 2005 | |
Plastics kid – the wave of the futureThis is the time of year we do the “state of the finances” discussion. Or as I like to call it “when I tell my husband things and he only barely pays attention for five minutes.”
I thought I’d try to bring him up to speed on our personal finances by sharing with him from the
Idiot’s Guide to Personal Finance for people in the 20s and 30s. It is a long title for a book I wish I’d been handed when I was like 22. Jeez, I could have saved myself some heartache!
My idiot wasn’t so interested in the book. I had to do some summarizing.
I showed him our goals for 2006:
Pay off the remaining credit card debt accrued after we bought the house.
Once the card is paid off, use that cash to fund the
“Emergency” account.
Try to bump up our respective 401k contributions by 1-2%.
Invest that old
Roth IRA money into a no-load, low-fee fund. Maybe an aggressive foreign fund or an
index fund.
Deeps: What is an index fund?
Me: It is basically a fund that follows the S&P 500.
Deeps: Oh. What’s no-load?
Me: No fees.
Deeps: Oh.
Me: Maybe you should read the book.
Deeps: I prefer to consult my financial adviser.
Me: Who is that?
Deeps: The person who read the book.
Me: Uh – me?
Deeps: You.
Me: Ah.
Deeps: So I’d like to have a cost of living increase.
Me: What?
Deeps: Oil is going up, that means oil products are going up – that means my CD prices are going to go up. I’m going to need more money.
Me: For your CDs.
Deeps: Yes – and don’t get all sneaky and try to swap
Certificates of Deposit for Compact Discs – I know your tricks.
He does know my tricks.
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, December 14, 2005 at Wednesday, December 14, 2005 | |
I gave myself the day offIn honor of my birthday.
So sue me.
And I got a
nail gun. And a really sappy card from my husband that unexpectedly made me cry. The card came along
with a book by one
Joe Bob Briggs. Because we balance the sappy with the skeevy.
Oh and for those who are keeping score, I got one of those fancy
one-cup coffee makers. No more
crazy ladies for me! Except on the T. Or outside the bagel place.
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, December 13, 2005 at Tuesday, December 13, 2005 | |
Like a good neighborWe had serious discussions about buying a snow blower. I picked up some flyers and pamphlets as I don’t really know anything about them.
OF course, when a freak Wintercane hit with like a foot of snow we weren’t ready. We hadn’t made the purchase and were left with a long ugly drive-way to clear.
And then like a hero in the night, our neighbor Fred came to our rescue. He scolded us for not letting him clear the driveway with his snow blower and made us promise to let him do it in the future. I just nodded as I rubbed my aching arms. After years of shoveling out old ladies and neighbors it never occurred to me that someone might offer to do it for us. Deeps was equally confused. That might be the partially frozen brain. It is hard to say.
But from now on we have a magic snow helper.
I’m baking that man a cake.
Better yet – I’ll let Deeps do it.
By: Alyssa | Friday, December 09, 2005 at Friday, December 09, 2005 | |
We survived the Winter-caneApparently that’s what the weather folks on TV are calling it – a winter storm with hurricane force winds. Sometime after 2 PM things went all The Day After Tomorrow.
My office closed early – which I thought was odd until I walked by an exterior window and did a double-take. I couldn’t see anything. There was a total white-out.
I called Deeps; he was going to give a colleague a ride home so he’d be leaving a bit later. I debated on what to do. Then I heard this loud crash. Thunder. Followed by bright flashes of light. Lightning. We had Thundersnow.
So I figured I should beat a hasty retreat. But I knew it would be bad outside. It was. I didn’t take any pictures – I forgot my camera. But I doubt it would have registered much. I called Deeps to leave him a voicemail message. It was like a scene from the apocalypse. We were in total white-out conditions – you couldn’t see more than eight feet ahead. Then the wind blew so hard the snow was mixing with rain and stinging your face and made it even harder to see or breathe.
I tried to get on the Green Line but it was a total disaster – so I decided to take my chances with the Red Line. Of course that meant hiking about a mile. I did it in about 30 minutes. At one point I got somewhat disoriented in the Boston Common. I couldn’t figure out if I was on the right path. I couldn’t hear anything except thunder, wind and sirens. I was alone in the park and the tracks I’d been following were fading fast.
Then a runner passed by. God bless the psycho runner. That’s dedication. Of course, he probably thought I was a crazy pedestrian. I am.
Eventually I made it to Park Street and shook of a lot of snow. My head was wet, my gloves were sopping but I made it. Then I lucked out on the train and found a seat after the Porter Square stop. When we got the Alewife I had some suspicions about what the last two miles of my commute would mean for me. I decided to fortify with some coffee and a muffin. Good thing I did.
I climbed up to the bus terminal where I found a mob of anxious commuters. There were no busses in sight. And you could see – which was an improvement. The thundersnow was over and the snow had stopped. I sat for a few minutes and read. I heard the grumbling crowd. It sounded like they’d been waiting for well over an hour without any luck.
AT one point a bus drove by and people tried to mob it. But the bus simply drove away without taking on passengers. The grumbling intensified and I realized that if I started walking the last two miles now – I had a rough chance of being home by 5 PM. So I followed a group of commuters who’d reached the same conclusion a few minutes earlier. They left a decent trail – I followed the Minuteman bike path until I hit Spy Pond. My legs ached – walking in 8 inches of snow for that far was rough. I just kept moving and hoped I didn’t wipe out.
I ended up climbing out on a side street that had been partially plowed. And walked part of the way in the street when the sidewalks weren’t clear. Then I walked on the sidewalks anyway after watching cars skid by. I figured I’d take my chances in deep snow than in deep … something else.
I got home a few minutes after 5 PM. It took 2 hours and 15 minutes for me to get home. I walked three of the seven miles that separate my office from my home. And I’ll be honest, it still wasn’t the worst commute I’ve had out here.
Labels: the T
By: Alyssa | at Friday, December 09, 2005 | |
The War on ChristmasI’m glad to hear that mainstream media outlets are
picking up the story about the
War on Christmas.
I’ve been waging the war for years and finally someone is talking about it.(And for the record, our family celebrates christmas vs. Christmas - nobody hauls into church and I never hear anyone talk about The Lord unless it is related to football or a shortage of booze. I'd guess we're like 80% of America in this respect.)
Christmas killed my dog, contributed to my parents
getting divorced (which they told me about over Christmas, if I remember correctly), makes
my mother crazy, turns my sister into a
total nightmare, and leaves me feeling
underwhelmed and depressed. Talk about
anti-climactic. So much build-up and so little pay-off.
Christmas – you are on notice.
Unless I receive a nail gun. Then I
may reconsider my earlier position.
Labels: holidays
By: Alyssa | Thursday, December 08, 2005 at Thursday, December 08, 2005 | |
That cat loves shoes
This is a holiday favorite - behold the cat making out with her favorite man shoes. Does that cat love man foot stink - like manna from heaven.
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, December 08, 2005 | |
You had me at Zombie SantaI’ve spent some quality time with zombies this week – Joe Dante’s
excellent entry in the
Masters of Horror series came first.
Wow – what an excellent hour of television. I was alternately laughing, horrified and nearly wept like three times. I’m not a crier people. That’s how I roll.
As for the other zombie, well – that would be in
The Stupidest Angel. I caved at Barnes and Nobel and picked it up off the “Christmas” table (or maybe it was holiday – I can never remember). I went in search of
Laurie Notaro’s new book and picked this up as well. Why?
This telling sentence from the book jacket: “But Josh is sure that he saw Santa take a shovel to the head, and now the seven-year-old has only one prayer: Please, Santa, come back from the dead.”
Zombie Santa? I rest my case.
Labels: holidays
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, December 08, 2005 | |
The UPS guy must hate us a lotI called Deeps from the bus – yes, I ride the bus.
Me: I should be home … eventually.
Deeps: What is the problem?
Me: I’m on the fresh, hot death Turkey Hill Express bus.
Deeps: Oh.
Me: I think the temperature on the bus is hovering around 200 degrees.
I should be braised by the time I get Arlington Center.
Deeps: Well I was wondering what we’d have for dinner.
Me: Heh.
Deeps: By the way, I found a bunch of boxes when I got home.
Me: Oh yeah?
Deeps: The UPS guy has gotten a workout this week. We got four today and three yesterday.
Me: Well – it is the big gift time of the year. For me.
Deeps: One of the boxes is about four feet tall.
Me: Oh my God! I finally got the life-size Barbie that I wanted when I was six. Only 25 years too late.
Deeps: It doesn’t feel like a Barbie – the box isn’t that heavy.
Me: Oh.
Deeps: And I have a surprise for you when you get home.
Me: On top of the 300 Amazon boxes?
Deeps: Yeah – it is something you really, really wanted.
Me: A four quart, programmable crock-pot?
Deeps: No.
Me: The four-in-one sander?
Deeps: No.
Me: The faux-shearling coat?
Deeps: No.
Me: Ooooh – the nail gun?
Deeps: Uhm. No.
Me: What is it?
Deeps: I’ll show you when you get home.
Me: Yeah, but by then all my skin will have melted off. AT least I’m self-basting. On the world’s hottest bus.
Deeps: It’s the bus ride of hell.
Me: I think hell might be a little bit cooler.
When I got home Deeps had something behind his back – so I figured it wasn’t the nail gun (seriously – that is a good gift).
Deeps: This is a little early – but I thought you might want it for the gym.
As I grabbed the package I had a suspicion before I opened it.
Me: Oh my god – it’s
BUTTERSTICK.
Deeps: I know you
love the panda.
Me: I
do love the panda.
Deeps: I thought about getting one with the cat’s face on it and calling it Pooperstick.
Me: Oooh – do that next year.
Deeps: I thought I might do it for our anniversary.
Me: You are very, very romantic.
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, December 06, 2005 at Tuesday, December 06, 2005 | |
Book Club of the DamnedI was thinking that I might give people copies of
one of my favorite books of the year. Except the book I was thinking of giving is Mary Roach’s book
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers.
It is a really interesting, fascinating and engaging book.
I mentioned my idea to Deeps and his response was along the lines of, “Have you started drinking stuff you find under the bathroom sink?” (The answer is no, by the way – and you shouldn’t drink things you find under the sink. Especially if they have a
Mr. Yuck sticker on them.)
So I guess I’ll think of something else.
By: Alyssa | Monday, December 05, 2005 at Monday, December 05, 2005 | |
Easy Bake OvenMy husband baked things this weekend.
For the first time ever. And he did it of his own free will – he even suggested it.
I’m not sure how to convey the significance of this event. It is – quite literally – something that has never happened before.
It would be like discovering cold fusion or maybe if George Bush ever admitted he made a mistake. This is potentially life-changing for our family.
He made biscotti. It was delicious.
By: Alyssa | at Monday, December 05, 2005 | |
Because you love meMy parents called yesterday.
Slim and Big Al were on the speakerphone together - all Hey, how’s it going?
For a moment I thought they’d called about my birthday (next week).
“Hey Lys, the DVD player isn’t working,” Big Al exclaimed.
Yeah – they just wanted the Amazon order number for the birthday gift I sent last month. The lesson here is clear: I have got to have some babies.
By: Alyssa | at Monday, December 05, 2005 | |
Easy Internet Shopping for the Holidays or How much I like SpamNow that the first snow has fallen on the dead grass that I liked to call my yard, I suppose it is time I share with you my holiday shopping list.
Thanks to the Interweb – it is much easier. In fact, I never need to look beyond my emails from nice people like Fallon, DPR Submit, IPODS! and FREEEE RAZR. They are all tucked away in a folder I like to call “Bulk.”
I think I’ll be picking up some:
###Free Ringtones###
V$I!A(G#A*R@
A complimentary* 2 iPod Nanos
Oprah’s Green Tea Makeover
Bling Bling!
Of take it modifier pulchritude
Fw °ÊµeªY½à
I can’t wait to see the kids on Christmas morning when they exclaim with delight, “This is the modifier pulchritude I’d been hoping for.”
That’s right kids; I make all your dreams come true.
Labels: holidays
By: Alyssa | Sunday, December 04, 2005 at Sunday, December 04, 2005 | |
An open letter to the demented lady at StarbucksLady,
You came into Starbucks a few moments after I did. You were in line behind me. I ordered two drinks – it was a mere coincidence that you ordered a (single) similar drink.
I didn’t steal your damn latte.
I grabbed my husband’s hot chocolate and my tall, non-fat gingerbread latte (
shut up about it) and started to leave. That’s when you started to go a little nutty and get all passive aggressive with the barista.
“I ordered a tall, non-fat gingerbread latte and I wanted to make sure that she didn’t take mine,” you nearly shrieked.
Lady – I ordered BEFORE you did. That’s how ordering works in the Western hemisphere. People are not plotting to steal your stupid (albeit delicious) latte. You may want to consider decaf.
I would have said something but that happens to be my neighborhood Starbucks and until I buy a coffee maker – I have to be nice to idiots like you.
Have a fan-freaking-tastic day.
Alyssa
By: Alyssa | Thursday, December 01, 2005 at Thursday, December 01, 2005 | |
My husband the scientist is secretly seven years oldMy cell phone rang just as I was stepping off the elevator to leave the office.
Deeps: There’s a big box here from Amazon.
Me: Okay
Deeps: It is addressed to “Alyssa Boehm.”
Me: Hmm..
Deeps: Can I open it?
Me: You know that I ordered stuff for you for Christmas.
Deeps: From Amazon?
Me: Yes from Amazon.
Deeps: So I can’t open this?
Me: Does it have your name on it?
Deeps: (grumble)
Me: I’m sorry?
Deeps: No.
Me: Alright then.
Deeps: Are you going to put up a tree?
Me: I don’t know yet.
Deeps: Because if you don’t, you should just give me the presents as they arrive in the mail.
Me: Why?
Deeps: Because there is nothing less festive than a sad pile of presents not associated with a tree or lights or any kind of decoration.
Me: Will you help me buy a tree?
Deeps: (grumbles)
Me: Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?
And for the record - that big box was stuff for me from Amazon. Because my birthday is in a few days and
someone needs to remember it isn't all about
him. Also - it'd be nice if he didn't behave like he's seven.
Labels: holidays
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, December 01, 2005 | |
