I call him Doctor MomDeeps found me parked on the couch yesterday. I wasn’t dressed. I was wrapped in several blankets. And I probably smelled.
Deeps: What are you watching?
Me: Something stupid.
Deeps: Like?
Me: See that woman? She works for the phone company and she’s an aerobics instructor. And she’s been
possessed by a ninja.
Deeps: A ninja?
Me: Yep.
Deeps: Wow.
Me: I know.
Deeps: So why are you watching this?
Me: No reason.
(beat)
Deeps: What’s wrong with you?
Me: Nothing.
Deeps: Something is wrong with you. You only watch stuff like this when you’re sick.
Me: I’m fine.
Deeps: What’s wrong?
Me: Well, my throat is a little sore.
Deeps: I knew it!
So Columbo beat it out of me - he doesn't even check for a fever. He just checks the remote control. Whatever. So I’ve got a stupid cold. Stupid. Cold. Stupid.
Now that I’m contaminated the computer keyboard, I’m going back to bed.
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | Sunday, January 29, 2006 at Sunday, January 29, 2006 | | 
Back Home Again in IndianaWe’re going to Indiana next month for a little visit. We’ll visit with the parents, my sisters, and of course the eleventeen children they’ve had.
It should be interesting. Deeps and I will be faced with the invading horde of anklebiters and we'll have spirited discussions about whether or not we
really want to have any kids.
I emailed my sisters a couple of dates and they responded quickly – my sister Peepers always writes these weird, short missives that seem to indicate that a) she is Doris Day and b) I’ve never seen her kids. Neither of these things is true.
In fact, just last night I was thinking that my sister Peeper kind of reminds me of Joy from
My Name is Earl – except slightly less harsh and twangy.
Maybe someone polite is hacking her computer and emailing me. I don’t know.
Or maybe I haven’t lived at home in 13 years I don’t really remember what she’s like as an adult person. I just remember what she was like when she was 15. Like all 15-year-old girls she was awful.
Anyway, we’ll be going to Indiana and enjoying fun times like… drinking, eating fried food and quietly judging each other.
It will be just like Christmas but without the presents.
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | Friday, January 27, 2006 at Friday, January 27, 2006 | |
Please file under: Masters of less horrorI loved
the idea of Masters of Horror. The best and brightest horror directors around the world get to make a one hour movie with just a few constraints: they’ve got limited time to film, it can't exceed and hour, and money - keep it under $1 MM. But that’s basically it – they go off and make the movie they’ve always hoped to make.
While I love the concept, I’ve been kind of bored with the actual execution (no pun intended). The pacing of the past couple of episodes has been slow. The premises are good, but that’s about all they’ve had going for them. Not all of them are dogs by any means.
Of the 11 episodes that have aired, I’d say about 5 were worth watching.
Originally 13 episodes were slated to air on Showtime, but after some controversy over an episode directed by
Takeshi Miike (of
Audition fame… or infamy) the folks at
Showtime decided to yank the episode. Now only 12 will air.
The
New York Times article (buried in TimesSelect) about the controversy seemed to indicate that the
subject matter was too disturbing – a prostitute who tells stories about her horrible life, including a stint working with a woman who performed abortions.
I guess that scared everyone off. So here’s what we’ve learned about Showtime and the Masters of Horror (warning, spoilers!) – it is okay to:
Show a woman being raped
Show a woman being flayed alive
Show a kid being eaten
Show people getting their skulls drilled
People committing suicide
A bug impregnating a woman
Women being tortured – dead and alive
Men being trampled to death
Robert Englund doing a mean Dr. Frank-N-Furter
You can discern a few patterns here, most obviously the victimization of women. I guess I could read more into the motives of the directors involved in these films – but I'm not an expert, so what do I know? I'm just trying to make sense of what is "appropriate." Women have been victims and heroes in these stories. That’s a pretty impressive change from what used to show up on screen in the pre-Buffy era.
If you’ve spent any time watching Japanese or Korean horror films, you’ll find that many tend to be very impressionistic and don’t hang together so well. They’re a series of vignettes designed to elicit specific reactions. Plot and character development don’t always mean a lot. Which is why Audition was so interesting – it had a story, a moral and an actual character arc.
We’ll check out the final episode on DVD whenever it becomes available.
Season 2 of the Masters is underway and I hope that it will be more interesting and not be afraid to take risks.
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | Thursday, January 26, 2006 at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | |
You read too many blogsI think this might be one of those “You might be a redneck…” things. When I saw this story about the
merging of UPN and the WB, the first thing I thought was – oh god, what about the
Gilmore Girls? And the second thing I thought was –
what will Dan say?
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, January 25, 2006 at Wednesday, January 25, 2006 | |
Women, start your enginesI was chatting with a friend last week, just catching up.
Then she threw out a non-sequitor.
“So I went to this little clothing store and when I walked in the sales woman looked me over and said, ‘We have other sizes in the back.’”
I barely knew how to react, so I cleverly said, “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“So I’m a huge fat cow,” she replied.
“But you’re not, you’re totally normal,” I replied.
“I thought so,” she said.
“We should storm that store and wave our fat dollars at that evil woman,” I declared with great indignation. “I will rally the internets and we will over throw the patriarchy!”
My friend laughed. “What time is it?”
“It’s like 3:30,” I replied.
“You should switch to decaf.”
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, January 25, 2006 | |
What’s the Matter with Oscar 2? The Double Standard-ingKathy Griffin is too controversial and makes celebrities feel weird: that’s E!’s position and is why she doesn’t get to play with the other kids on the Red Carpet. She tells jokes.
Isaac Mizrahi gropes starlets and asks questions about the grooming of “body hair” and he’s a delight. The Oscar people are so freaked out by him that they’ve
issued thinly veiled threats to E!. Meanwhile, the $20-million-dollar man, Ryan Seacrest, is being upstaged.
I’m not sure what’s what – but jokes about Dakota Fanning is indecorous and groping
Scarlett Johansson is the height of… taste?
Oscar, you make it
hard for me to love you. You really, really do. God help
Jon Stewart.
Labels: 2006
By: Alyssa | Monday, January 23, 2006 at Monday, January 23, 2006 | |
Stay in the Now!I read
Prep recently.
I liked it for the first 75 pages but lost interest and then started not liking the book. But I finished it because that’s what I do.
I guess the thing that bugged me was that the protagonist – Lee Fiora – wasn’t easy to relate to. Lee’s a small-town Indiana girl who goes to a small, hoity Massachusetts boarding school and finds it to be weird and confusing.
The problem I have with Lee (eventually had) was that she was so blank and uninteresting that I couldn’t understand why she got to tell a story. But I guess there is some value in that point-of-view – but it doesn’t make a very engaging read. Early on I thought Lee might be a sociopath, she was so unable to interact or relate to the other human beings around her. That would have made for a more interesting read.
On a semi-related note (coming-of-age books) I read
Sam Lipsyte’s book
Home Land and enjoyed it a great deal. It was
funny and poignant, but not too poignant – so even dudes can read it.
By: Alyssa | at Monday, January 23, 2006 | |
You kids keep it downMy cat has some kind of feline boyfriend – or girlfriend- I don’t judge. The cat in question, black and white from down the street, visits our back door pretty regularly. They look at each other and sometimes they make noise and hiss at each other. In the srping I'm going to have to replace the blind that the Poopus has trashed.
Last week there was a hideous crash against the back door while I was cooking. I was pretty certain that it was a killer trying to get in the house. It was loud and the door shook. I looked to the door and saw the Poopus all poofed out and saw the black and white cat scampering away.
“Tell you boyfriend to lay off the rough stuff,” I said.
I saw the big fat squirrel that lives over the shed watching the cat suspiciously. At least
the squirrels aren't in on it too.
By: Alyssa | Sunday, January 22, 2006 at Sunday, January 22, 2006 | |
Confidential to people with dirty handsDon’t forget
to wash them. And use some soap.
I haven’t made this sign, but maybe I once worked in an old office building that had poor plumbing. And maybe while working there, I might have secretly posted signs in each toilet stall that said “Please be nice and flush twice.”
Allegedly.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 22, 2006 | |
You don’t want white groutI was visiting
the Rage Diaries a couple of weeks ago and was reading about Lisa’s interest in tiling and doing some upgrades to her place.
I thought of that entry as I cleaned my bathroom.
We have a condo that was gutted about 4 years ago as part of the big renovation which took it from a single family home into two townhouses.
Everything was redone including the floors. I hate the tile in our house so much it pains me on a weekly basis. Someone thought it was a good idea to put tiny tiles on the floors of our high traffic bathroom areas. We have 2 inch hexagonal tiles on the floor of our master bathroom. The white tiles have white grout. That probably looked fantastic when they were first installed. I'm sure that lasted about 17 minutes.
When you use tiny tiles you have thousands more grout lines – and therein the problem lies.
I’ve never seen out tiny tile floors look good. In the basement we found the major cache of grout cleaner that the previous owners had used without success to get the grout clean. These people were the cleanest people I’ve ever seen. Whenever we came to the house for a viewing the place was spotless – immaculate. They had a little toddler-age girl who apparently always put her stuff away.
Look – I know people put stuff away when a house viewing happens, but this level of clean went way beyond the basics. The baseboards were clean. The place would passed the white glove test.
I’m sharing this because these people couldn’t get the grout clean either – and they are much, much cleaner than us.
We’ve come to the conclusion that we’re going to have to spend a lot of time next summer on our hands and knees scraping out the old white grout and re-grouting and sealing with something a little more maintenance friendly.
So if you’re thinking of redoing the tile anywhere, I’d suggest using darker grout if you can get away with it. You’ll thank me for it later.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 22, 2006 | |
He doesn’t campI’d never really been camping as a kid. I have a vague – very vague – recollection of some kind of
Girl Scout-like camp. I had to sleep in a bunk and I was pretty convinced that an axe-wielding maniac would come for us.
I also camped out in the back yard when I was like 11 – my friends from down the street came over and we slept inside someone’s tent. I was better prepared for this trip because had borrowed a portable TV and one of my Dad’s giant orange extension cords. I think we ended up inside the house in the wee hours of the morning because we’d gotten too cold.
My last camping trip was in southern Indiana with my friend Aaron. He and I decided to go camping. I’m not sure why, but we did. We picked a state park near Bloomington, it was pretty and tranquil and we found a great spot on a small hill (important later), overlooking a lake.
I was in charge of some basics: food, checking the weather, bug spray and water. Aaron had graciously volunteered to provide the sleeping bags, the tent, and “other necessaries” that included down bedding and some tarps and god only knows what. I was in charge of driving and my car was crammed to capacity.
Camping with Aaron was like going into deep Africa with the British when they’d bring armchairs and had 30 servants.
Weather reports indicated that there would be rain, but it would pass well south of us. The day was a little overcast but still reasonably warm (low 70s) and we’d be quite comfortable. We made our way down to the park without incident. We got the tent up, built our fire, and settled in for a great weekend.
We’d only planned to stay one night – Saturday night – because I had classes on Monday and didn’t want to miss them. Aaron had a big date or something. His life was much more glamorous than mine. We hiked around, talked a great deal and explored the park. We were having a great time.
Then we felt the first little drops of rain. Apparently the storm wasn’t as far south as we’d expected. No bother, we made our way back to our campsite and huddled near the fire. That tarp came in handy as we were able to string it up in a few nearby trees that kept us and our fire dry.
I made dinner (hot dogs and baked potatoes roasted in the fire). We ate and went to bed after it got really dark. It rained all night.
When we got up in the morning we’d decided that the rain wasn’t letting up and we’d cut our day short. We took apart the camp (getting wet in the process) and loaded up the car. We started driving out of the park. As we drove along the narrow dirt road we encountered a lot of water – standing water. Then we hit a point where the water was too high to pass through by several feet.
We assessed the situation and figured we’d double back to find another way out of the park. We also ran into the park ranger.
“You kids will be able to pass through the back way, no problem,” he said when we shared our concern that the water was too high.
We drove for a while and found the back way out. The water was even higher than we’d initially encountered and it had basically become a small creek that crossed the road.
“What do you think we should do?” I asked Aaron.
“Maybe we can stay another night,” he suggested.
We drove back to the campsite and saw that the rain wasn’t easing and our camp site was muddy and the wood we’d left behind was wet. We’re not good campers I thought. Plus we were nearly out of food.
“We’re going to do it,” I said.
“Do what?”
“We can get out of the park; we can get through the water.”
We went back to where we’d first encountered the high water. It was probably waist-high on me before. But it was closer to chest-high when we went back. Aaron volunteered to walk through the water to find out if we could make it through. He found a spot where the road was higher and lead as I drove behind him.
Oh yes people, I drove my little Dodge through the high water that started to push the car along (sideways). We got about half-way through the spontaneous creek when the car stopped. Aaron kept motioning for me to drive – but the car wouldn’t restart. I rolled down the driver’s window and had to climb out the water was so high. I started to get freaked out, but tried to hold it together.
The ranger had said we’d make it out. We held on to that. Aaron and I walked around to the back of the car and started to push it out. Was this stupid – oh yes, but we are stupid and sometimes we’re lucky. We cursed the ranger with each step. The car eventually made it to the dry land beyond. We were soaked and smelled like old creek water. But we’d made it to the other side.
Miraculously, the car wasn’t soaked inside. I’m not sure how that happened – but I think we weren’t stuck in the water long enough for any serious damage to be done. But the engine was wet – so I was pretty sure we’d be forced to live in the park. We waited a while and hoped for a miracle. We got lucky again.
With some coaxing the car started. We climbed inside and drove home – complaining loudly about how hungry we were and how much we hated that stupid ranger.
Eventually we stopped for food – but we were wet and cold and smelly. We changed clothes in the parking lot of a classy buffet establishment and then went inside to eat as much as we could for $6.99.
I told this long, boring story to Deeps one day when I suggested that we might go camping.
“That isn’t the story to tell people when you want to encourage them to camp,” he said. “It’d only be worse if
Jason Vorhees showed up.”
That might have been the ranger.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 22, 2006 | |
Don't you forget about meI've gotten a wee bit busy and haven't had time to do all the blogging I'd like to do. Not to worry - exciting updates will happen this weekend and then I'll be back to my normal (normal for me) schedule.
Y'all have a good weekend now. Stay out of trouble and remember -
bears are a threat to America.
By: Alyssa | Friday, January 20, 2006 at Friday, January 20, 2006 | |
Show KillerI think I helped killed
Heather Graham’s show.
Not directly – I mean, I’m just one woman. But I expect that my reaction to the show (“I can’t believe a woman is responsible for this”) wasn’t unique. It isn’t good. It is very, very bad.
Apparently someone agreed.
Good luck Heather, I know you can do much better.
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, January 18, 2006 at Wednesday, January 18, 2006 | |
Mac and Cheese update: Experiment in blech*Last week Deeps made the mac and cheese that he read about in the
New York Times.
The man was excited. I was happy he cooked and lived. Everything was going okay. The mac and cheese came out of the oven looking good –
if a little dry on top. Then we took a bite.
Me: Hmm.
Deeps: Uhm…
Me: It’s crunchy.
Deeps: Yes.
Me: But it is kind of…
Deeps: It isn’t very creamy.
Me: No.
Deeps: And I think all the cheese is on the bottom.
Me: And if you eat more than a serving of this it will kill you.
Deeps: Maybe I made it wrong.
Me: I think you did it right – there are only like three ingredients.
Deeps: I never cooked before.
Me: Yeah, but I don’t think it is you. I looked at the recipe and I’m not surprised by this outcome.
The leftovers sat in the fridge. My husband ate them through out the weekend (nerd fortification). Then I read
the Slate article.
I broke the (happy) news to Deeps.
Me: I have good news.
Deeps: What?
Me: It’s not you, it’s the recipe.
Deeps: The New York Times recipe?
Me: Yes. Slate concurs that the recipe is gross.
Deeps: Wow.
Me: I know. Are you relieved?
Deeps: I don’t know. It may take me a while before I can cook again.
Me: Baby steps. Baby steps.
*The pictures didn't turn out any better than the mac and cheese.
By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, January 18, 2006 | |
Kids Eat FreeAfter the nerd festival ended we rallied for dinner at a place in Cambridge.
Someone called us around 7 to tell us where to meet at 8:30 – I looked up the restaurant. We went to one of those Japanese steakhouses where they cook the food on the griddle in front of you. I suspect this is why kids eat free – most parents wouldn’t take their kids to a place like that. First, it is expensive and second, well – I think the place might start to smell like lightly grilled kid if you weren’t paying close enough attention.
Our lovely waitress quickly took drink orders and then disappeared for a while.
Deeps joked that service was slow because they were training a new guy. Turns out his guess wasn’t that far off the mark. Sometime around 10 PM (when the restaurant closes) a guy rolls out a cart with some hunks of fish and meat. Behind him another guy walks out. We have the new cook and the seasoned cook watches and gently coaxes the new guy.
Things didn’t go so well – knives were dropped, food wasn’t quite cooked to order, the tricks didn’t quite come off (shrimp tails were flying everywhere), and none of us was particularly impressed with the “knife work.”
By the time we got our food we were starving and didn’t care. The one guy who really wanted to go to this place was happy and the rest of us weren’t going to disabuse him of the notion that “this place is cool.” I’m not sure how we came to this conclusion, but we did.
Deeps and I paid like $70 for some uninteresting sake and rubbery shrimp. I smelled like a diner afterwards and none of us could hear each other over the din of the giant fans placed over the griddle tables. Of course, after the first hour passed without any food – there wasn’t much to talk about except how hungry we were.
“This place sucks,” one of the nerds muttered quietly to me.
I smiled and gestured around at the awkward tables where multiple parties were forced to sit together. One guy away on his cell phone while his bored date stared off.
“This place is where bad dates go to die,” I said. “But kids eat free.”
Labels: 2006, nerds
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, January 17, 2006 at Tuesday, January 17, 2006 | |
Hot dogsFriday I was walking through the Boston Public Garden en route to the T station at Park Street. It was warm and comfortable and the sky was pink from the setting sun. It was like Spring.
As I stood at the crosswalk to go into Boston Common, I saw an older woman struggling with her dog – a corgi, by the looks.
Her dog was walking very slowly. He didn’t seem old but he was incredibly fat – like a furry sausage.
She kept trying to coax him into walking. I cross the street and as I got closer the dog stopped cooperating. He went from neutral to park – and plopped down in front of the small monument to Pope John Paul II. He wouldn’t budge.
And the woman kept trying to drag him along but he wasn’t having it. She gave the universal – what can you do? shrug and waited for a few minutes as the chuckling pedestrians walked around her.
By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, January 17, 2006 | |
Reading Round’ upI finished
A Treasury of Deception on Jan. 2 – I think it might be the perfect travel book. Each episode is bite-sized so that you can move in and out of the book with ease, despite the interruptions that come with travel (stewards, the seat belt light, being groped by security). I’ll be checking out more books by the author,
Michael Farquhar.
I also finished up
The Easy Hour by
Leslie Stella. I think it is one of my all-time favorite Chicago books. You don’t have to know Chicago to enjoy the book (and snort with laughter) but if you know the city I think it enhances the reading experience.
I’m doing very well in 2006.
And I found a used bookstore close to our house where I can trade in my used books for credit. It’s not as cheap as going to the library – but saves me a few books and I like to know that our books are going to a good home.
Next week I'll announce the titles of the books I'll be giving away in my lame - Four More Years! - contest.
By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, January 17, 2006 | |
Where The Nerds AreUsually I don’t participate in the
annual Nerd festival – I like to get reports and then attend the post-nerdening luncheon. This year, for the sake of the blog (and because I was a little bored), I decided to check out things.
Deeps came home late on Friday night (okay, technically Saturday morning) and got a few hours of sleep. We arrived at the MIT campus by 8 AM. As we stepped off the elevator I smelled the nerds before I saw them.
FYI – several men trapped in a room for hours and hours almost always smell like feet.
My nerds were not different. I wandered around the room throwing away cups and trash to help tidy up.
Then I looked over Deeps’ shoulder to see what puzzle he was working on. I gave him a few suggestions, next thing I new I was helping with the Nerd hunt.
I didn’t have much to offer, but I did what I could. After a day of running errands and cooking, I returned to the nerds. I offered to help a bit, I did okay with a puzzle about America: The Book – but ultimately I couldn’t crack it.
The contest ended shortly after midnight. My nerds were not victorious - but then again, they have no delusions about winning. They just really like to do puzzles.
So the nerds are quietly tucked into their beds now, resting and recuperating for next year. Lessons were learned: printers are important, someone needs to take-charge on the food front, it wouldn’t kill them to have an air freshener in the room and for the love of Santa – they should stop eating burritos late at night.
I can only hope they remember that for next year.
Labels: 2006, nerds
By: Alyssa | Sunday, January 15, 2006 at Sunday, January 15, 2006 | |
I really thought that would take longerI used the
Quicken Willmaker Plus 2006 software to make a will, a living will, and my “final arrangements” – it took like 20 minutes.
First, the name sounds kind of hilarious. Like it’s some kind of Sims world instead of
The Last Will and Testament of one Alyssa Boehm. Maybe that’s why it didn’t bug me to set it up.
And I did it while drinking cocoa and still feeling sore from the gym yesterday. I’m feeling very alive.
I really thought this was going to take a lot longer. I did find a few moments of “who do I want to leave my crap to” if I designate an alternate to my husband. I did try to sneak in a provision of “whichever of my sisters survives a rousing game of Quarters” but the software didn’t go for it.
Whenever Deeps comes home I’ll do his will and then we’ll be set. I was inspired to do this after reading all the stuff about who to designate to care for your kids if you die (awkward conversations with the family ensue – thanks NYT). And then I was reminded to do it again when I read several “Money Makeover” pieces in the Boston Globe and consistently saw people saying they’d eventually get around to doing estate planning. So there – I’m very grown up. I’ve written my will while sporting a Superman t-shirt and drinking cocoa.
You too can be all growed up.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 15, 2006 | |
The Care and Maintenance of Your NerdThe nerds will hole up in a room
somewhere on the MIT campus this weekend. They need provisions to survive the 72 hour event. Some will go home – but many will not leave that room (more or less) for the next three days. Hijinks will ensue.
My nerds have food. We hit the CostCo hard last night – armed with a list (after a few frantic “Where is the list?”) and my Amex card, we did damage.
First, we got a cart which I usually avoid doing. I think I got the “avoid the cart” tip from Lifehacker – or maybe Mike Pope. Anyway, I usually avoid the cart so that I can keep the trip in the $50-range. Carts easily push you up to $250+. And then you wonder where the hell you’re going to put all that food.
We lucked out and put all the food at D’s house. He seemed quite happy to go shopping with us and volunteered to keep all the food. Then we went to work: I strongly advised the nerds to remember that they are now over 30 and need to eat something besides Doritos.
“Think of your colon,” I pleaded.
They were pretty responsive to my suggestions for fresh fruits and vegetables that didn’t require lots of work: apples, grapes, carrots, and upon D’s suggestion clementines.
I didn’t try to get them to go junk-food free this weekend. It seemed cruel and unusual – so they’re loaded with brownies, candy, and sodas that come in colors not seen in nature.
Deeps was happy that the food trip went so well. At our last stop he made sure to help increase the overall level of hygiene at the weekend: he bought some Altoids.
Labels: 2006, nerds
By: Alyssa | Friday, January 13, 2006 at Friday, January 13, 2006 | |
Four more yearsNext month I’m giving away some stuff again to mark the anniversary of the Big Red Blog. I like doing this because it is easy and also because I’ve had a big uptick in traffic (about 40%) over the past 12 months. Hurrah!
Last year I gave away gently used books (used by me!) that I’d read and really liked. I might do the same thing this year except I traded in all of my used books at the bookstore.
So this year you’re going to get a new book! A book read and really liked. I haven’t determined which book(s) yet. But you will be thrilled by the choices, not to worry!
Last year I gave books to people who emailed me by a certain date – this year I think I may solicit some haiku. You can come up with 17 syllables for a free book, right?
By: Alyssa | at Friday, January 13, 2006 | |
De-de-de-de-delurkI guess it’s national delurking week on the Web. Or something totally made-up.
I have no facts to support my claim. I am a blogger, after all. Actually – I have a blog, I don’t know if I’m a “blogger.”
Whatever.
Anyway, I support delurking and ask you, good readers, to delurk today! I’ll be delurking tonight when all the nerds have run off to campus.
I'm actually interested in knowing more about the blog visitors because next month I'll be marking the might 4-year anniversary of the Big Red Blog. Terrifying, eh? And like last year we'll do fun things like - uh - I sent out some free stuff, didn't I? I'll do that again.
Also, I’d like to give shout-outs to new readers courtesy of the Boston Globe. Hi. It will get better, I promise.
I’d also like to thank the new people who link to me – I’m updating the links this weekend. And you will be on it. Not to worry – fame is mere clicks away.
By: Alyssa | at Friday, January 13, 2006 | |
What’s the matter with Oscar?I’m curious about what’s going to happen when
Jon Stewart hosts the Oscars. I’ve
read a lot about how he’s going to really suck or how he's sold out. And I would be inclined to possibly agree (on maybe not being as funny) – particularly since the Hollywood people are easily offended (I’m looking at you, Sean Penn) and don’t have a sense of
humor about themselves.
The producer of the awards show said that he told Stewart that there was no room for politics. So, we’ll see. I’ll tune in for a bit and hope for the best.
I just hope that the Oscar people don’t do to Jon Stewart what E! did to
Kathy Griffin. Griffin was THE best part about the Golden Globes and Oscars red carpet show. As soon as she was funny and irreverent, the
E! people wigged and boxed her in and kept her away from the “celebrities.” This year she won't be working for E!.
Here’s the thing about people like the Jon Stewarts and the Kathy Griffins of the world: they will poke fun at you and expect you to be mature enough to laugh at yourself. If you can’t do that, then don’t invite them to the show. And don’t lock them into some lame format that stifles their creativity and their wit.
Anyone looking to do clever counter-programming to E!’s cover should snap up Griffin, put her in a pretty dress and drop her off at the red carpet. She’d be the perfect appetizer before America tucks into the main meal of Stewart. Let’s hope that there aren’t too many cooks in the kitchen – I’m tired of spoiled soup.
By: Alyssa | Thursday, January 12, 2006 at Thursday, January 12, 2006 | |
Nobody comes between me and my Ti’FauxDid you watch that show
Emily’s Reasons Why Not? I did so that you don’t have to.
I contemplated going to bed early – it was really bad.
Heather Graham, you should get a new agent. What was the last interesting thing you did? Honestly woman. Someone is giving you bad advice.
The rundown:
Bad jokes
Collection of stereotypes last seen on the bus from Speed
Three’s Company-like antics that pass for “sophisticated comedy”
Unappealing main characters
The show's
creator is a woman. My question - Is this what women think other women are like? God help us all.
Good luck with your next project, Heather. Maybe you can get another guest-arc on
Scrubs.
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, January 12, 2006 | |
Never nerd aloneDeeps: I’m not the only
nerd in the family.
Me: What?
Deeps: You are also nerdy.
Me: True – but I can’t even come close to your nerdiness.
Deeps: I disagree. Your nerd is just different from mine.
He’s not wrong. I am also a nerd. I’m more of a book/movie/pop culture nerd. He’s all over science and math. Together, we’re very fun at parties and we kill at Trivial Pursuit.
In fact, at a New Year’s party I spent a lot of time talking about a book I’d read called a Treasury of Deception. I regaled young parents with stories about fake infantries, lying reporters and the Cardiff Giant while their children slobbered on the floor. Then I went off on some tangent about aliases and FTP. Okay - so I'm not fun at parties.
And there is my deep abiding interest in weather and my ability to predict the feasibility of forecasts, which has earned me the name Doppler Girl. That’s not a good nickname.
So I fly my nerd flag proudly. But we’ll nerd in different ways this weekend: he will go do Soduku and I will do some casual estate planning.
Because someone has to plan for the future.
Labels: 2006, nerds
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, January 11, 2006 at Wednesday, January 11, 2006 | |
Chronicles of Nerdia: MIT Mystery HuntThat’s right folks; it is nerd season ‘round these parts. The
MIT Mystery Hunt is
nearly upon us again and my house is bustling with preparations.
Or rather, my husband is sending out emails and making lists on small pieces of paper that he carefully tucks into his pocket. He’s plotting his nerd plans.
For those unfamiliar –
MIT hosts a big
3-day puzzle-a-thon over Martin Luther King Day weekend. Old college friends fly in from all over and they
rally somewhere in the bowels of MIT to spend hours together quietly hunched over computers and paper. Sounds like a real barnburner.
I spend the weekend doing decidedly non-nerd things like drinking, eating meat, and getting a mani/pedi. Or I take naps and roll around in my own filth.
This year most of the nerds have crossed over from the late 20s into their early 30s. And some of them have been domesticated – they have wives who keep them clean and fed. I have heard rumblings that some of the nerds are more high maintenance this year demanding food without trans fats and asking for actual beds to sleep in. No more sacking out on the floor in a pile of backpacks. They want a good night’s sleep. They want fresh water!
So all week - or whenever the fancy strikes – I’ll be updating the Chronicles of Nerdia and keep you, good readers, abreast of latest nerd developments. This year they’re in it to win it. Well, they’re in it to like… place in the top 10. My nerds keep it real.
And tomorrow, we’ll plan our nerd pilgrimage to CostCo where I have been asked to help
“coordinate shopping efforts.” Because when the nerds don’t have any expertise in an area, they know to ask for help. And surely if they asked me about spending money, they’ve asked the right person.
Labels: 2006, nerds
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, January 10, 2006 at Tuesday, January 10, 2006 | |
NYT Mac and Cheese*Deeps had a doctor’s appointment today. I know that because he wore jeans on a weekday (never happens), he called my office about eleventy million times to ask me various questions about our insurance, and he decided to “make something I read about.”
Me: And what are you making?
Deeps: I read about something in the
New York Times.
Me: Oh god – the mac and cheese recipe that was like two pounds of cheese to one pound of macaroni?
Deeps: No – it’s a pound a half of cheese.
Me: You are going to die.
So he made it – is making it – as I type. It is kind of late for dinner, but whatever – the man is cooking and I can’t say anything about it. What if he stops?
I mean, he can stop cooking heart-stopping mac and cheese but he can keep cooking stuff. It is good for him to learn and change. And cook.
I had to do a lot of supervising - make sure he didn’t break my kick-ass food processor or burn himself.
Can you look at this? For a second? Is this stuff done? How do you tell if it is done? Shouldn’t it be more crusty on top?
Me: How’d it go?
Deeps: Okay I think. My heart did stop for about 30 seconds when I was shredding the cheese.
Me: You know I scheduled us for physicals in March.
Deeps: When the doctor asks me what I’ve been doing different, I can only tell her that I’m baking.
*photos posted soon
By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, January 10, 2006 | |
Stick Love: Maybe that is why they’re endangeredI have a suspicion that all the stories about Pandas being endangered because of a reduction in their natural habitat might be a bunch of noise.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I watched this special on the Animal Planet (I love Ti’fauxing stuff on Sundays at 3 AM) called “
A Panda is Born.” Basically the show was about the “love” story that resulted in Butterstick’s birth. (BTW, if you think
KFed is a bad daddy, you should see fat Tian Tian parked in the air conditioned Panda Grotto.)
Fun facts from the program: Apparently pandas are in their mating season for a few days a year – and females ovulate for just a few hours. That’s right – the pandas basically have one chance to get it right. And the pandas aren’t very good at the mating part (I guess this special crossed over into panda porn, but it was on after 11 PM).
So they have the deck stacked against them – so to speak – because getting pregnant the old-fashioned way is very difficult.
Thanks to the miracles of science – the
Chinese panda teams have been very successful. Their breeding program because they inseminate the females in addition to traditional mating. The American team at the National Zoo went for a hands-off approach. Eventually the Americans came around to the Chinese way of thinking – after they visited the baby panda day camp and were mobbed by a dozen adorable baby pandas looking for snacks.
So now we have some baby pandas in America and I have learned way more about panda sex than I ever wanted. All I wanted was to see adorable
Butterstick.
And all I got was this
stupid t-shirt.
By: Alyssa | Sunday, January 08, 2006 at Sunday, January 08, 2006 | |
That didn’t take longI know that some members of my family read my blog. I’ve made my peace with it. With the knowledge I’ve taken the opportunity to poke fun at my family via the Internet because that is the ultimate form of Midwestern passive-aggressive behavior.
I got a short email from my parents a few hours after I posted on Thursday about kicking up my gym time as part of my year of prep for the Baby Project in 2007.
“Do you have something to tell us?” they casually inquired.
Not really. In fact, I’m rather surprised by the reactions I’ve gotten from people when I say that we’re taking this year to prepare and decide it we really want to have kids. “You’re never ready,” and “Nothing can prepare you,” comes up a lot.
I’d agree with that – to an extent – but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I can do to be better equipped if we decide to go forward. Like I can take a year to help ensure I’m physically capable of having a healthy pregnancy. And we can get our finances in order after going broke buying our new house. Plus we can have all those fun discussions about what we thinking raising kids would mean for us as old married people. Do we have similar ideas? Do the kids go to public or private school? What about religion?
People don’t talk about important stuff like this before they get married – I know of people who never discussed money or how they’d manage their finances before they moved forward with the big plunge. We talked about this a lot before we tied the knot. But it is always good to revisit.
There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to having kids. But there are also a lot of things you do have to be ready for: your health, the kid’s health, child care, money. If we can get a handle on some of the things we can control – then we are better equipped to deal with the vast unknown of possible parentdom.
We might not be ready – but we hope we’ll be prepared.
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 08, 2006 | |
Welcome backNot to get
all John Cusack (we love you, Johnny) – but is anyone else relived that
The Daily Show is back with new episodes?
I’m one of the many “young” – shut up, I’m still young! – people that get their television news from The Daily Show. I read newspapers every day (thanks Internet!) but I don’t watch TV news anymore because…. Well, you’ve seen it.
Anyway, whenever a big news story breaks – like the US wiretapping thing – I just think, “What are they going to do on the Daily Show about this?”
So they’re back (first new episode was last night… tricked ya, didn’t they?) and I’m very, very relieved. Is that so wrong?
By: Alyssa | Thursday, January 05, 2006 at Thursday, January 05, 2006 | |
She’s so excitedI went to the gym – I’ve started out with my Personal Trainer (
TM bougie suburban dink lady) twice a week. I’m doing it in preparation for
Baby Project 2007 and she is very, very excited.
I’d like to interject a little sidebar here: I joined an all-lady gym a couple of years ago and met Wendy during my initial “
two free training sessions.” I made a point of asking for someone normal, who was not 22 and a size 0 and would tell me not to forget to breathe.
I needed someone encouraging and compassionate and empathetic to my short, dumpy self. She’s a perfect fit. And she’s got a butt – and looks a little like Gina Torres. Plus she gives me the right balance of encouragement and sass when I start muttering about these stupid workouts. It took a long time for us to get to the point where we could do what we’re doing (mostly because I’m lazy and broke). But I figured I’m worth it and she’s cool.
Where was I? Oh yeah...
Wendy: I’m really excited.
Me: gasping
(I was doing something horrible like pull-ups)Wendy: I have a lot of ideas.
Me: Did you increase the weight?
Wendy: Yes! It’s the New Year and I’m kicking everything up for you!
Me: Oh sweet lord.
We used to have conversations when I worked out with her – now I can only really talk to her during breaks between sets or if I’ve totally collapsed into a gooey heap between reps. That’s right, I do reps and sets.
Wendy: I think I’m going to mix in some other things next week.
Me: Like?
Wendy: I’ve got a really great plan that involves
.
Me: Is that like circuit training?
Wendy: I guess you could look at it that way. Except harder.
Maybe I should go all Brangelina and just adopt.
By: Alyssa | at Thursday, January 05, 2006 | |
If it is good enough for Oprah, it is good enough for meDear
Gratitude Journal:
I’m super-psyched that I have a
5% chance of becoming a millionaire.
Hooray for me. I deserve it, Gratitude Journal. And I’m really thankful for the chance.
Sure I might have to move to the upper floor of the condo and rely on food delivery via my skylight when the
Revolution comes. You can’t have population of 5% millionaires without having a
few non-millionaire ruffians causing trouble. They’ll demand reasonable housing, healthcare and food. But I’m keeping positive, Gratitude Journal, because that’s what Oprah would do.
I did the math a few years ago and determined that due to the pending collapse of Social Security and the disappearance of pension funds – I’m going to need at least a million dollars whenever I retire 35 years from now. With inflation, the soaring costs of health care, and the fact that science is helping me stay alive longer – I’m going to need that extra cash.
Your friend,
Might-be-a-millionaire
By: Alyssa | Wednesday, January 04, 2006 at Wednesday, January 04, 2006 | |
To Do: 2006Me: Do we have any goals for this year?
Deeps: Like what?
Me: I don’t know – something to work towards.
Deeps: Not a resolution?
Me: Nah – nobody keeps those. Remember the year I said I’d quit swearing?
Deeps: (hysterical laughter) Yeah. How long did that last?
Me: Maybe four hours.
Deeps: I’ve always enjoyed the fact that you regularly respond to your alarm clock in the morning with the F-bomb.
Me: I’m classy. Anyway – goal.
Deeps: What’d we do last year?
Me: (gesturing about) Dude – we spent all of our money on this place.
Deeps: Oh yeah – so that was good.
Me: I know, and mathematically we shouldn’t have been able to easily achieve it… which brings me to goals for this year.
Deeps: What tops a house?
Me: A pony?
Deeps: We’re not working towards a pony.
Me: Speak for yourself.
By: Alyssa | Tuesday, January 03, 2006 at Tuesday, January 03, 2006 | |
50 Books in 2005I did it. In 2006 I'm going for stuff that has more... nutritional value. I got a little lazy in the middle and read some pretty uhm...sketchy stuff
Haroun and the Sea of Stories
Midnight's Children
We Thought You Would Be Prettier
I'm not the new me
Crossing California
Ordinary Horror
Superfudge (but in French!)
That cat behavior book at the Vet's office
As She Climbed Across The Table: A Novel
The Historian
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Abandoned
The Devil in Gray
Darkfall
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers
Brimstone
Dark Specter
Writ in Blood
Haunted
Home Land
The Stupidest Angel
Idiot Girl's Christmas
Lost in a Good Book
Something Rotten
BreakoutFlashfireThe InnocentNightshadeThe Woman in BlackFive Mile HouseLonely Planet: Condensed Florence City Guide
JustinePharos: A Ghost StoryWell of Lost PlotsNow You See ItThe House Next DoorStranger Things HappenSockNow, VoyagerThe Killer Inside MeSophieHick FlicksThe Eyre AffairThe House of BonesBonesDr. Haggard’s DiseaseThe HouseThe Cement GardenThe RelicAsylumThe Hour Before DarkAfterlifeHell HouseYear Zero
By: Alyssa | Sunday, January 01, 2006 at Sunday, January 01, 2006 | |
Happy Hangover DayIs that a holiday? Because I’m celebrating it with a vengeance. There is no tree - but I suspect there are some songs. And of course I'm marking the occasion by visiting the ceremonial hangover bowl and saying nice things to myself in my most soothing and quiet voice.
Deeps is enjoying the New Year by laughing heartily at me.
What is so funny, Jerkface?
By: Alyssa | at Sunday, January 01, 2006 | |
