The opposite of brain freeze A conversation in one part
So yeah…
Yeah
It’ll be hot.
Right.
What are you going to wear?
Does it matter?
Not really.
I’ll be sweating.
And smelly.
Yeah.
Summer.
Gah.
You know what I like to do on the hottest day of the year?
What?
Buy a new winter coat.
Hmm.
I know. I enjoy the irony.
Is that irony?
I think it is.
I think it might be stupid.
So stupid it is genius?
No. Just stupid.
Do you need a new coat?
I could use a coat.
Not so stupid now is it?

By: Alyssa | Monday, July 31, 2006 at Monday, July 31, 2006 | |   

Consumer report
We got word that the insurance company has cut a check for the car repair. This is actually the second check – we filled out some paperwork authorizing the insurance people to pay the car repair people directly.

I’m not sure if my insurance company is particularly fast or responsive, but they seemed to get things resolved relatively quickly. I suspect that I have low expectations as well.

You go to a giant box store and ask for something like silicone spray to lubricate vinyl windows and you get some weird guy trying to sell you silicone caulk. Or worse, you just try to get out of a giant electronics store with your dignity and maybe without going into a total rage.

I’m pleasantly surprised by my customer experience, but all things considered I’d like to never have to talk to the insurance people again. No offense, insurance folks – it’s not you; it’s me.

By: Alyssa | Friday, July 28, 2006 at Friday, July 28, 2006 | |   

Spoiler Alert
I’m no genius – but it is very rare that I am surprised by either a movie or TV show.

You know a few years ago when shows would advertise their special twists: stay tuned because the last five minutes will leave you blah…

I usually guess what happens pretty early on. Deeps and I like to compete with our guesses.

Me: The senator is gay.
Deeps: The senator is gay and his wife did it.
Me: The senator is gay, his wife did it but he will take the blame because he’d rather people think he was a murderer than gay.

Me: The wife is being framed.
Deeps: The wife is framing the husband, by making it look like he’s framing her.

Part of it is simply a means of applying Ebert’s rule about the economy of characters. But most often it is simply applying the guest star rule: Andrew McCarthy is guest starring this week? I’m pretty sure he did it.

But the best is when you’re not sure who did it and it is very early in the show, and you can just look at someone who should have been innocuous but got like 3 seconds more camera time than they should have. It’s like when the camera flashes to the phone before it rings. Dun-dun-duh!

We saw a preview for M. Night’s latest a few weeks ago.

Our friend Peaches declared that the movie was a must-see for him. We talked about the movie and what the twist might be.

I suggested that the movie’s inherent lameness couldn’t actually survive under the weight of a twist. Peaches suggested the man makes good movies. Deeps tried to stay out of it.

Me: I can’t believe you want to see this.
Peaches: I think it’ll be good.
Me: But probably not.
Peaches: It could be good.
Me: Did you ever think that the twist will be that you’ll smarten up and not see the movie?
Peaches: You’re cruel.
Deeps: But she’s probably not wrong.

By: Alyssa | Wednesday, July 26, 2006 at Wednesday, July 26, 2006 | |   

Greatest Hits
I can’t come up with winners every single day. Plus I’m tired, hot, and cranky – so let’s hop in the way back machine. We’ll go way back to the early part of 2005.

I think this entry is one of my most popular entries ever: The Case for the Man Bag.

Please enjoy.

By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, July 26, 2006 | |   

27th Amendment
A long time ago I was having a casual conversation with a British friend about America. We were talking about all of our quirks – charming and loathsome – and he mentioned America’s love of cars and driving. He suggested that owning a car might be covered in the Constitution – like freedom of speech and repealing prohibition.

When we lived in Chicago we had two cars – even though my beloved only “worked” (he was in grad school) just four miles away. I commuted via car when I worked in the 'burbs and via El or Metra when I worked in the city. When we moved to Boston I stopped driving and ended up donating my car to a charity a few months later. We’ve been a single-car family for a while, which has worked our pretty well.

Deeps drives to the 'burbs for work and I commute via foot, bus and train. He gets the car washed once a month and I get a pedicure.

It has been a long, boring week since the car got smashed and went off to the car hospital. We got a check for part of the damage while the insurance people continue their investigation.

I’ve been under the weather and parked on the couch. It’s been raining and Deeps is going stir crazy. How crazy? Yard crazy.

He went out into the back yard to start digging up a new flower bed along the grotty old metal fence. We had talked about planting that area later in the summer, he figured today was as good a day as any to start the work.

We may have hit a real nadir for him – he’s never done yard work unprompted and especially without my help before. I think he might have developed a brain cloud.

By: Alyssa | Monday, July 24, 2006 at Monday, July 24, 2006 | |   

Eyewitness Snooze
Several long weeks ago I was walking back to the office from the gym. I was at one side of the crosswalk and I noticed a woman at the other side. As the little “walk” sign lit up, we approached each other.

I did a double-take. Is that… someone I know? I know her face. I think. Is that Kaavya? I did a triple-take and she dropped her head a bit and kept going.

You hear about unreliable eye witnesses are all the time – that’s why those sexy CSI shows are popular. DNA evidence is usually more reliable than a lady gawking at another lady in the crosswalk. Hah! I made a pun – or whatever.

So despite seeing photos of Kaavya, I couldn’t decide if it was really her. I’ve only seen her head, from that jaunty angle with the little smile/smirk (depending on your point of view). I have no idea how tall she is or what she looks like on a bright sunny, Boston day.

My maybe-Kaavya looked more slight and slim than I expected. Once I was openly gaping at her she kept her head down a bit, so I thought it could be her. It seemed like the kind of “don’t look at me” thing that celebrities throw at you sometimes. Like when you run into Don Cheadle at the Whole Foods.

I mean, that doesn’t happen to me – but it could. If I lived near Don Cheadle.

By: Alyssa | Thursday, July 20, 2006 at Thursday, July 20, 2006 | |   

The too tall table
I’m going to sound like Andy Rooney or Jerry Seinfeld for a minute.

Ever notice that at some restaurants you find the table hits you at chest height? You kind of have to fling your food into your face?

I have no idea why people are enamored of the too tall table. There’s a restaurant near our house, within walking distance if you know what I mean, and it would appear that they went to the trouble of having custom stone tables built.

However, the restaurants custom tables are about 36 inches high –which is tall for regular dining (especially when you don’t give your customers taller seats to compensate). Plus they are very, very close together – combine that with their height and you get the dreaded: butt brush. That’s right, your butt is going to brush up against your or worse – someone else’s table!

Horrors! What if I get some food on my butt? You don’t want my butt in your food – and the good lord knows I don’t want to put my butt there. It is a horrible buttock misadventure. Restaurateurs – please save us all for this fate!

I was noting the problem with the too tall table to my husband as I demonstrated by flinging food in my general mouth direction – your arms are all akimbo and it is hard to get leverage to cut the food. I always end up wearing half my meal, which makes me – what they call in New England – wicked cool.

By: Alyssa | Tuesday, July 18, 2006 at Tuesday, July 18, 2006 | |   

“These things come in threes.”

We told the parents about the little fender bender we had yesterday – they took it well. At least, I hope they did. My parents aren’t inclined to freak out by Deeps’ family is … different. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be totally surprised if I found his mother on my front porch this morning.

I wasn’t going to mention it to them, but since they read the blog I thought they should hear about it from me. Plus my sister Peepers had been in a very serious car accident a couple of weeks ago. She’s okay – but she’s got lots of stitches and is now going to physical therapy. Plus her car rolled over and was totaled. Luckily, none of the kids were with her at the time.

It was the same kind of deal, some distracted woman ran the light and rammed into my sister.

This morning I got an email from my parents entitled “crunch” – they sent it to my sisters warning them. Someone may be gunning for them, since two of the four of us have been in car accidents in the past couple of weeks.

My other sisters should be on the lookout!

In other news, we get to pick up the police report and call the lady’s insurance company today. Huzzah!

By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, July 18, 2006 | |   

Wham! Bam! WTF?
I’m home. Again. I walked home a little while ago from the scene of our car accident.

Oh yes – somebody crashed into us on our way to work.

We were driving along, minding our own business. It was like one of those damn Volvo commercials* – except with a Toyota Matrix. And I never saw it coming.

It’s a simple story – a lady ran the red light and smashed into the driver’s side rear panel/tire region. Everyone is okay but the car is suffering from more than hurt feelings.

Luckily, the whole event transpired in front of our local fire station, so we had lots of firefighter witnesses and they called the cops pretty quickly. The less fun part – the lady was able to drive her old beater Toyota away while ours got hauled onto the flatbed to be towed away.

*My colleague pointed out it is actually a VW ad.

By: Alyssa | Monday, July 17, 2006 at Monday, July 17, 2006 | |   

Hot times in sweatyland
I think there are a few important lessons I learned this weekend – I’ll share them with you.

1. Alcohol and extreme heat don’t mix as well as you might think.
2. Sunscreen is good.
3. If you’ve been drinking (anything) for hours and hours and you don’t have to pee – it is hot.
4. You shouldn’t use your shirt tail to wipe your face if you’re a woman.
5. But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, because sweaty sunscreen in your eyes will burn.

We’ve got a couple more days of the big heat awaiting us. This morning as I started to get dressed for work, I thought: What’s the point? Make-up? It will melt by the time I get to Park St. Hair? Welcome to ponytail summer.

And as far as looking “professional” – I hope to look presentable. Are giant sweat stains unprofessional?

By: Alyssa | at Monday, July 17, 2006 | |   

How to stay cool
A few weeks ago we had a pretty hot day – Peaches and Peggy discovered too late that their bedroom wasn’t cooling off despite turning on the AC.

Peaches: The AC wasn’t doing anything; we’d turned the AC on so late (after midnight) that it wasn’t really comfortable for sleeping. So we did the ol’ t-shirt trick?
Me: You just wore a t-shirt?
Peaches: No – we wore wet t-shirts.
Me: Ah. Yes.
Peaches: I realize I know this because one of our friends is a lawyer. Apparently this is what the inmates do in prison; they don’t have AC so they wear wet t-shirts to bed.
Me: So you’re living at least as comfortably as a prisoner.
Peaches: Just that one night. Now I remember to turn the AC on a couple of hours before we go to bed.
Me: It’s good to learn from your mistakes.

By: Alyssa | Friday, July 14, 2006 at Friday, July 14, 2006 | |   

The great hottening
Apparently, today is the first day of our first heat wave of the summer. Hurrah.

I’ll be huddled next to the AC whenever possible. I am not built for the heat. Actually, I am built for the heat – evidently, my body is quite efficient when it comes to cooling. So I sweat. A lot. Like a trucker or a day laborer. Like a sweaty, sweat machine.

There is no glistening here. When I was working on the demo team last weekend I had to request a sweat towel. Everyone else decided that was a good idea, but I was the first to cave.

So I foresee a week of ponytails, sweat, cotton, and more sweat. I hope to stay properly hydrated. The nice thing about the heat wave is that it saps the appetite pretty quickly – so Deeps and I start eating a handful of strawberries or some watermelon or ice. Delicious.

By: Alyssa | at Friday, July 14, 2006 | |   

Celebrity Dream Watch or Blog Filler
I dream about celebrities on a pretty regular basis. I’m not totally sure why – but I expect that Freud would have a theory.

In fairness, I never dream about them the way you might think. The dreams are far from sexy, but they are usually fun.

For example, a few years ago I had a recurring dream where Ben Affleck wanted to join our regular poker game. In the dream there was a lot of discussion about it, and we finally agreed to let him join – but we weren’t raising the stakes. Ben was nice enough to buy us sandwiches.

A few weeks ago I had a dream about George Clooney. I dreamed that we were out on the town – it was very Rat Pack. We went to swanky bars and restaurants. We gambled. And we got into fights where we totally kicked ass. Again, I’m sure Freud would have thoughts.

Last night I dreamed about Rosie O’Donnell. I was somewhere in rural Maine when I encountered her. She was trying to talk some woman into helping her launch a comeback. The woman seemed a lot like Shelly Winters but with really long, curly, silver hair.

Rosie’s appearance was kind of limited. I was staging a musical called “Slide Rule” and it would be raised on an all chocolate stage. That was our big gimmick. It was going to be a hit, I could tell.

By: Alyssa | Thursday, July 13, 2006 at Thursday, July 13, 2006 | |   

The sound of one hand clapping
I didn’t really have a strong opinion about the idea of a book about M. Night Shyamalan. But this review made me laugh and laugh – and possibly read parts of it out loud to my husband for more hilarious enjoyment.

By: Alyssa | Tuesday, July 11, 2006 at Tuesday, July 11, 2006 | |   

That caterpillar has to be on a plane tonight!
I’ve been having trouble keeping up with the Netflix queue of the damned. We downgraded our membership from 3 at a time to 1. Deeps has been keeping up – he’s been watching movies like a champ.

A couple of weeks ago we were expecting a lesser known Cary Grant vehicle (featuring Walt Disney) about a boy and his dancing caterpillar, Curly. But the video never arrived. I emailed ‘flix and they sent out the next movie in the queue.

Then a couple of days ago the movie showed up. And so I have watched the tale of a boy, his beloved caterpillar, a cad, a clash with science and multiple discussions about the Bill of Rights. It was during war time, after all.

Maybe I’m cynical – and by maybe I mean that I am – but the invocation of the Constitution does my cold, black heart some good. When was the last time you saw that in a Ben Stiller movie?

By: Alyssa | at Tuesday, July 11, 2006 | |   

We came; we sawed; we torn down the ceiling and the walls
Our friends, the Mondos, are putting in a new kitchen. We helped them do the initial demolition on their kitchen this weekend.

Tearing stuff apart is extremely fun, totally rewarding, incredibly dirty and now I’m really, really sore.

So I’ll keep this brief: You can work with six people in a relatively small space without serious injuries. Wearing dust masks sucks – but it is worse going without. Safety glasses are a must – especially when men with crowbars are on the scene. A reciprocating saw is extremely helpful. Plaster is very, very messy. When the day is done, you’ll find plaster in very unexpected places. And you’ll need to wash your hair about three times to get it all out.

By: Alyssa | Monday, July 10, 2006 at Monday, July 10, 2006 | |   

Oh my God! They killed Emmy!
I like television enough that I write about it in between entries about grass and molding. It’s hard to remember the last time I wrote about television (cough *British lesbian witches* cough) but I like to keep abreast (punny!) of developments.

Later this month the Death March with Cocktails begins and America will start to learn more about the shows that will litter the television screen this fall. But that’s for later.

Today, I’ll just say wow – Emmy voters, you have found a new way to screw up. This year the rules changed in an attempt to level the playing field and inject some new life into nominee list. And that happened. Just not the way anyone expected. People hoped that someone like Lauren Graham or Donald Faison might get a nod. Instead, voters chose Charlie Sheen and The King of Queens.

Sweet fancy Moses.

The voters got a few things right – Scrubs, The Office and Arrested Development got well-deserved Emmy nods. Steve Carrell got a nomination. But they ignored My Name is Earl (except for a nomination for Jaime Pressley), Hugh Laurie (the reason anyone actually watches HOUSE) and more importantly LOST – last year’s best drama winner.

I could analyze, but the television smarties are all over the case. Nobody has quite figured out how this happened. But I’m sure the careful dissection of Emmy voters minds will begin soon.

It’s a nice distraction from those missiles in North Korea.

By: Alyssa | Friday, July 07, 2006 at Friday, July 07, 2006 | |   

Wherein I do not write about molding or growing grass
You know all the very cool bloggers who complain about not having anything to write about so they take a break? I never take a break. I bring you poor jerks along for the ride. I don’t have anything to write about, but by God, I write anyway.

Woe unto you. Also – that is WOE not WHOA. I’ve seen that listed incorrectly about four times this week. Let’s all learn it together.

In other news, I am on Team USA (UnSkilled Able-bodied) for demolition on our friends’ kitchen. Work starts on Saturday – of course, I’ll have to wait until after yoga because we are emo rock, yuppie scum.

I spoke with our friend, I’ll call him Mondo, last night about what we can do to help. I think the fact that we have several different types of saws makes us ideal candidates. Plus we work for free and require little direction except, “You there – take down that wall.”

By: Alyssa | Thursday, July 06, 2006 at Thursday, July 06, 2006 | |   

Penny for your thoughts
We went on a walk after dinner tonight. I think it helps aid digestion and forces us to move around a little. We were both quiet and pensive.

Deeps: What are you thinking about?
Me: Sanding.
Deeps: Ah.
Me: What are you thinking about?
Deeps: Molding.
Me: I’m not surprised. You had the faraway look in your eye.
Deeps: And you were totally engrossed in thoughts about molding – just like me. That’s how I knew we were meant for each other.


Later…

Deeps: I’m thinking about measuring pieces of molding for the office. Is that wrong?
Me: If it’s wrong – I don’t want to be right.
Deeps: You’re just looking for something to blog about.
Me: Darn tootin’.

By: Alyssa | Wednesday, July 05, 2006 at Wednesday, July 05, 2006 | |   

Measured response
You know on those home improvement shows where the old guys say measure twice and cut once? That’s important.

Also – pre-drilling is important and helpful. You’ll thank me for that later when your arm (triceps) could be throbbing from the hammering of crown molding. Oh the hammering. You should really rent one of those pneumatic nailer.

So I’ll keep this entry short – six of the seven pieces we need for the guest room are up. Some of my hammering was a little dodgey at the end – but that was more a function of having old walls than me being particularly incompetent. Although, please don’t think I am especially competent. I could certainly have done a better job.

Around piece number two we started using our new family motto: Looks good… enough.

I also started referring to our “crapsmanship” since I’d hardly call us craftsman.

Deeps is already plotting the installation of crown molding in the office. I’m trying to figure out how much it will cost us to hire a guy to put up crown molding in the living room. My hammering arm is really tired.

By: Alyssa | at Wednesday, July 05, 2006 | |   

I have declared independence from my to-do list
Isn't that sufficiently patriotic? I don't blow crap up - but I will surely dig holes, cut stuff, drill things and nail stuff. And thus, we have tackled two projects this weekend.

First, we are now the proud owners of a screen door in the back of the house. It's very exciting - of course we don't have a prayer of having the back door open any time soon (too damn hot). But whenever there is a breeze again on a day when it isn't 95 degrees, we will be able to enjoy it. Plus the Poopus will be a bit closer to nature. Huzzah!

I still have to paint it - and get some handles. But we have a door.

We've also put up one piece of crown molding - just six more pieces to go. We decided to go for the guest room first. Deeps and I figured that we should start on a smaller room than the living/dining room (at a whopping 300 square feet). The guest room is a little more straight forward - there are a couple of weird angles.

Deeps is in charge of cutting, I paint the trim and then nail it up - for the family I am the hammerer and Deeps is the sawer. Fun fact about finishing nails you need for crown molding - they are covered in some kind of dark dust so that when you nail up your nice, clean, white molding you see all kinds of crazy black finger prints!

I am actually washing my remaining nails and we'll have to go back over the trim we installed with a cloth - then putty and more paint.

God Bless America.

Labels: 2006

By: Alyssa | Monday, July 03, 2006 at Monday, July 03, 2006 | |   

Your explosions don’t impress me
I am from a part of the world where you know it is summer because some dumbass blows off his hand or worse.

I like to think of it as social Darwinism, but I realize that makes me a bad person so I’ll say I am sorry your parents didn’t teach you better, exploding people.

Anyway, this brings me to my ambivalence around Independence Day fireworks. When I was a kid my dad would shoot bottle rockets off in the backyard. Even at the tender age of four or five I thought a) it’s hot, b) there are a lot of bugs, c) what if Dad explodes? And d) this is loud and hot and boring.

I don’t care much for crowds either, so to me – going outside in the heat where I must mingle with other hot, sticky, smelly masses to watch stuff explode while mosquitoes feast on the blood of the innocent doesn’t really do much for me.

I know – I am a bad American. I prefer to wallow in my hot, sweaty stink alone. Or possibly with my husband and an icy drink.

Labels: 2006

By: Alyssa | Saturday, July 01, 2006 at Saturday, July 01, 2006 | |