Not only did I share the story of my trip to the ER, I also go to town on the best and worst in television in 2006.
Plus Derek tells me all about his super fun adventures decorating a float for the Rose Bowl Parade (honestly!). Okay - maybe it wasn't super fun. But he did do it, so if you watch the parade and see a float with a big eagle, please know that Derek worked his heart out on the right wing.
I also give a game review, explain why I'm not Shakespeare and beg for some kind of iTunes recognition.
I've mentioned this a few times, but I have a whole passel of nieces and nephews. I start saving for Christmas in January - there are so many people and gifts to buy.
I order most of my gifts online and have them shipped to my family and everything is cool. I get my order in by the beginning of December and everything is cool I even spring for the extra few dollars for wrapping. I've been doing this for years without incident.
This year, there was an incident.
When I arrived at my Dad's house I checked under the tree for the boxes from the large online retailer I ordered from - there were two smallish boxes present. I thought this was a little odd, but I ordered a lot of kid's books so I figured they might all fit in a small box. I cracked open the first box and found one book inside. I opened the second box and found two books and a couple of DVDs. The shipping manifest suggested that all the gifts I'd ordered were in that box....
Except the box was now empty after removing about 20% of the stuff that was supposed to be in there - so either a box was missing in the house or the large online retailer didn't send my gifts even though they thought they did. Dig?
We searched the house, we searched the yard, we looked in the neighbor's yard. Nothing was to be found. Five of the kids were coming the next day, but I only had gifts for three of them. Awkward!
Eventually we got the situation resolved - three days later - and allegedly the company is shipping the replacement items to my family for distribution. Those damn things had better be wrapped too or I will demand refunds!
I was lucky that they weren't the only gifts the kids were getting, and let's be honest - I give them very boring presents. I give them books. Eventually they like my gift, but they never open my presents and scream with delight - like they did when the TMX Elmo was unveiled.
That's cool kids - I understand I give you boring gifts. Next year I might just cut out the middleman and give you an empty box instead. Or a mutual fund prospectus. Nothing says happy holidays like proxy voting.
I’d read somewhere that kidney stones were hotter than Wiis and PS3s – combined – so I had to get one.
We were enjoying a quiet evening at home, packing for our visit to Indiana when a sharp pain struck my left side. Look, sometimes a sharp pain strikes – I’m getting older. It happens.
But this was persistent and the pain was sharper and more forceful. The pain became so sharp that I had to sit and take a few deep breaths – yoga style. I took a couple of ibuprofen and hoped I’d just pulled a muscle or something. I drank a lot of water. I waited to see what happened.
About an hour later, the pain wasn’t any better it was still sharp and sudden. I took my temperature and realized I had a low-grade fever. AT this point I thought I should start looking at the Internet to determine if I had something like appendicitis – because I didn’t know where my appendix was. I do now!
FYI, your appendix is on your right side but the pain was on my left side – near my kidney. Ah ha! I’ve seen this on TV – kidney stones. I finally told Deeps we should probably go to the emergency room – just in case.
Hours later were still waiting in the ER when the angry couple came in – she was announcing that her husband was dead to her and that their marriage was a lie. He was trying to see something about… I think he said he was bleeding. Whatever – they were fighting and she was totally freaking out everyone - especially the two small kids who were waiting for Grandpa to be released.
And on the waiting room TV was To Catch a Predator on Dateline – basically the stuff of nightmares. After talk of condoms came up on the show, someone finally changed the channel to the ever-wholesome NCIS. Nothing to see here except dead bodies, people. This is your new Saturday night lineup! I wandered around looking for a bathroom while Deeps waited to hear if my name was called. That would take a few more hours.
Eventually a young fresh-faced doctor examined me. Let’s just say we were on rather intimate terms rather quickly as he wanted to rule out I didn’t have problems with my inside parts. I was poked, prodded and then out came the needles. They took blood, gave me some pain killer in a saline drip and parked me next to my worried husband.
We waited some more. After a zillion tests including a CT scan and some X-rays the doctor announced they didn’t find anything. The working theory was that in the 7+ hours that I waited at the hospital I probably passed the small kidney stone. I had all the symptoms of having a small kidney stone but didn’t actually have a stone visible. Guess all the water drinking did pay off in the end.
We were released around 4 AM. Deeps and I drove home in a daze to finish packing for Christmas. Our taxi was scheduled to arrive at 8 AM to drive us to the airport.
After our nap, we got ready in hurry and hauled suitcases to the front porch. The taxi was late, my husband was a little grumpy, I was exhausted and we settled in for a fun-filled journey through airport security. It was a very Merry Christmas indeed.
I'm a little wiped out after our travels to Indiana for the holidays, so I'll have to post more later.
However, I'd like to offer you a teaser about what is to come by offering up the following possible titles for blog entries: Where the #@$$ are the Christmas presents I ordered? Oh my god, you kids are so freakin' loud! I think Grandma is drunk dialing Well, Dad, a blog is.... Guess who got a kidney stone for Christmas?
After I take some Advil and a nap, I'll be sure to fill you in. Don't worry - it is possibly worth the wait. At a minimum, it is less painful than passing a kidney stone.
So I didn't exactly write a faux holiday newsletter this year. I hope that my memo worked instead - I'm really passionate about the working conditions of elves.
In other news, Deeps and I recorded a very special holiday edition of The Big Red Blog's weekly pop culture podcast. We don't discuss sugarplums and sweet dreams, we take on the stuff of nightmares by chatting about the Showtime series Dexter. I'll say it, I think it may be the best new show of 2006.
If you haven't watched the show or read the books and don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this week's installment. But if you'd like to hear about the most compelling and disturbing character on television then please, by all means, listen to this week's podcast!
To: S. Claus From: B.V. Gingerspice Re: Elf benefits and workplace issues
The elves have elected me their official spokeself to raise a few workplace issues with you.
As you may know, the cost of retirement is greater than ever before. Health care, housing and basic living expenses have outpaced our meager earnings for more than three centuries.
We appreciate your old-world craftsmanship as much as anyone - but we have not been able to find anyone who will let us deposit wooden train sets and dolly-go-lightlys into our IRAs.
And you may know that we are forced to open IRAs on our own because you still do not offer a company-sponsored 401k. We'd like to see that changed as the younger elves need to save more than ever. We older elves would also like to take advantage of the "catch-up contributions" since many of us are over 50 - like way over 50.
We'd also like to address the issue of benefits overall. Bragging about your excellent "maternity leave" plan is great, but none of us have every actually had a baby. As you know, elves spring fully-formed from your head - not unlike Zeus. We don't even have reproductive organs. So while it looks good in your the press releases you send to Working Mothers magazine, we have to respectfully call BS.
Also - your wife had better stop messing with us. I know she's lonely and has been drinking a little too much egg nog. Several elves have not been seen in weeks. And a couple of others are missing limbs and are too traumatized to speak. Might we suggest you encourage her to take up a high maintenance hobby like orchid breeding?
We'd suggest a pet, but we wouldn't want to have to call PETA.
We hope you will respond to our concerns in short order. That was not a pun. And by the way, the short jokes are not funny.
Sincerely, Butternut Von Gingerspice *Rated S for satire!
I was thinking of writing another satirical holiday newsletter this year - but I really nailed it last year. Now I'll have to really think about it before I commit cursor to screen.
Didn't see it? Just take a whiff of this: Anyway, this year was a big one for the B family. We fought off a vicious squirrel attack (how they could afford F. Lee Bailey, I don’t know!), briefly dallied in synchronized swimming (which failed when one of Deeps little pool wings deflated) and finally decided to buy a house. Oh and the cat finally learned her name – it’s only been 11 years. Good for you, kitty!
After months of hounding the man - Deeps finally relented and agreed to participate in a podcast with me.
He only agreed because Sunday's podcast was basically a disaster because of some very serious audio problems (related his birthday present to me). Whatever. He's on the air now and there's no going back!
You can listen to us talk about Scrubs, The Office, How I Met Your Mother and preview some of the midseason replacements - as well as yell at the cat for attacking my foot. It's like I got the family band together at last!
My husband is also my personal technology support. I can do most tech support myself, but Deeps has an inordinate amount of patience with tech problems, small children and IKEA furniture assembly.
For my birthday he picked up a little gadget I asked for to help improve the audio quality of my podcasts. It doesn't seem to be working right - or maybe we're not working it right.
Anyway, late last night - or it seemed late to me - I was awakened by his voice. And I saw a form standing next to the bed.
Deeps: Are you awake? Me: Yeah. Deeps: I crashed the old computer. Me: What? Deeps: Something with the new audio stuff freaked out the machine and I'm stupid, I should have known. Me: Am I dreaming? Deeps: No. Me: Are you sure? Deeps: Yeah. We'll have to call Peaches to help us extract the data. Me: Oh. Deeps: I'll have to buy him dinner or something. Me: Are you sure I'm not dreaming? This is the kind of thing I'd dream about. Except you'd be a celebrity. Deeps: Go back to sleep. Me: I'm trying!
I already begged for money last week - which was wildly successful. How about I plead for you to listen to my latest podcast? We're experimenting with some new recording equipment, so... okay, this isn't my finest work but Derek is very charming and I'm funny. Doesn't that count for something?
I wrote before with thank yous, but I figure I can do it again. Thanks a million, Internets. The Big Red Blog's Decemberstravaganza fund raiser with Donors Choose was wildly successful. The original goal was to raise $200 for some projects a public schools in Indiana (my home state). Thanks to you, we raised about $450 and helped approximately 300 students.
That's pretty impressive if you ask me - we're talking about relatively small sums of money having a huge impact on kids and their school experience.
I've never done a fund raiser like this with the blog, but given how well it went - we may do something again in the spring. So thanks again for donating, for your support and of course for reading my small corner of the Internet.
This is the time of year people have office holiday parties. Any tips or stories you'd like to share about how to navigate these, potentially, awkward times? Career-limiting mistakes should be avoided at all costs.
I suggest limiting yourself to a friendly drink, circulate a little and then make a timely exit before anyone does anything to embarrass you or themselves.
Maybe I'll share the story about a guy I once worked with, many years ago, who got so drunk at a holiday party he couldn't even walk home. Several of his co-workers had to dump him on his doorstep and he was so humiliated that he took it out on us for months afterwards.
Me: So a lady nearly mowed me down in pedestrian crosswalk by my office. Deeps: Again? Me: I'd say it is a near daily experience. Deeps: Maybe she was from out of town. Or outerspace. Me: Or just from like - Alston or something. Deeps: Was it a tiny woman in a giant SUV? Me: Surprisingly no. Deeps: Hmm. Me: I was thinking about taking pictures at all the places where I've almost been killed. Deeps: What? Me: I could make a Flikr set. Deeps: How many places could it possibly be? Me: Well, that's the problem. I'd have to photograph every intersection I cross. Oh and every rotary. Deeps: Yeah the rotaries are tough. Me: Then I could publish a book of near miss photos. Deeps: Just in time for Christmas. Me: Yeah, nothing says 'I love you' like this. Deeps: I think that may be too dark for the holidays. Me: Or any other day.
Yesterday was my birthday. I mention this because I received some very good news - which to me, is a gift.
We've blown out my Donors Choose challenge. I originally wanted to raise $200. Thanks to some very generous readers and members of my family (also readers) we're now up to $345! So I moved the target a little and the new goal by Saturday is to raise $400.
We've been able to fund five reading programs in Indiana, which I think is so great. The kids - I hope - will hit the ground running when the second semester starts!
So if you have a few extra bucks and are inclined to donate, there is still time before Saturday. Just click that little thermometer on the right.
And if that's not enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy this morning, I got an email from one of the project sponsors - a fourth grade teacher - thanking us for the donations.
I suspect a lot of people watch the same weather person every day - I know I watch the same guy every morning.
For the past few years I've noticed that by mid December, if it hasn't really snowed much, they get nervous. Like kids wound up on too much sugar - the anticipation of snow starts to build. The tension mounts until the first storm comes and they explode into action. Then they become the Storm Tracker team - moving in bright, blue rain slicker formation and braving the blustery wind outside so that you can see how awful it is outside.
This is a good teaching moment for parents - you just point to the television and say, these people aren't smart enough to look out the window before they leave. Actually, if you have children they probably shouldn't watch television news - it might stunt their intellectual growth.
Today the weather people excited because we're slated to have a nasty rain storm. They get excited about rain - but only if it causes flooding. But snow - snow is their cat nip.
I don't often put up a Christmas tree. We travel a lot around the holidays, so sometimes we're not here on Christmas. Plus I have the Poopus, killer of trees and other living things.
Last night I dreamed she killed a mouse. But that's neither here nor there.
This year I figured I should try to drag out a few holiday decorations since so many people on my street go nuts with holiday lights. I bought a new, fake tree. Oh yes New England - I poo-poo your obsession with live things and go for something fake. And not just fake, but so fake-looking it is... well, I realize now I shouldn't have attempted to write this post without a photo. I'll add it tonight.
I have this odd collection of ornaments. I buy the stuff nobody else wants, the stray Indian elephant or magenta lights. I find beauty in the ugly and unusual. It's part irony and part bad taste and all intentional.
This year I wanted something to display my ornaments, but not be bulky and hard to incorporate into the room. And - if at all possible - it should be something the cat wouldn't attack.
I have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations with Fluffy, the saddest Christmas Tree. He, I think he's a he, is spindley and very sculptural. Like an avant-garde tree, he expresses himself with just a few pliable branches that can hold a multitude of ornaments - but looks kind of weird with the lights. Oh and he's got these fluffy white tinsely things covering the metal limbs - so no green. It's like if Andy Warhol, John Waters and Martha Stewart had to come up with a tree - it would look a lot like Fluffy.
I love Fluffy. He's so wrong that he's right... for me.
The latest podcast is up. You'll be sure to enjoy it as Derek and I keep it under 30 minutes! (Okay - technically it is 30:06 - but still) Listen to the podcast.
I'm back from my road/business trip. It was productive, I ate some questionable food and slept like a champ. I guess that late night cocktail helped.
Fun facts - my husband subsisted on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pizza and apparently fancy hot chocolate. He has never made hot chocolate before, but I guess he bought some from a fancy cheese store.... I have no idea what happened. But the cat is still alive and the heat still works. So I guess I should be thankful.
The site has moved - or rather re-directing to a new domain. Sure, I'm still Alyssa Boehm but the blog has taken on life of its own. So I think it deserves a separate home. So here you are, at the new home of The Big Red Blog.
Looks pretty similar, eh? Act surprised! I fully expect things might be a little wonky for the next couple of weeks. Please bear with me....
I like to be charitable - like a lot of people. I like the idea of helping to make a direct impact on a child's learning experience.
And so, I'm offering up the Decemberstravaganza. Let's raise some money for a class and see exactly how a little money can go a long way to helping kids learn. My goal is to raise $200 to fund projects at public schools in Indiana.
Actually, I'm swamped at the office and will have to do a bit of business travel. So posting will probably be a little light. So please accept my apologies, loyal readers.
I should be back and posting by the weekend and podcasting as usual on Sunday. Have you heard my podcast? It's somewhere between amateurish and totally awesome.
I called my father last night, well - I tried to. The call was intercepted by my niece, Blondie, since she was hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa. We chatted for a few minutes, I made a joke and Blondie promptly announced that I'm weird.
"But I'm you're cool aunt!" I insisted. "You're weird," she replied with a giggle. "You know, you're hardly the first member of the family to tell me I'm weird," I sighed.
We talked about Science class (it's good), the death of recess (it's coming) and what kind of projects she'll be working on in the future. Sounds like she's going to have to build a roller coaster. That's the kind of science I can get behind.
On this week's podcast Derek and I talk about a lot of things: whether Veronica Mars is getting stupid, what Hero could die, and of course I talk about breezy dramas like Riptide. But Derek had no idea what Riptide was, but I know you remember. Right? It was 1984!
Oh for the days when TV dramas had minute-long opening credits.
Sometimes I need to buy stuff. I haven't figured out how to grow my own toilet paper yet, so until that time I will have to buy it.
And so to buy the giant TP we hit the local Target. Actually, that's not true. We hit the Watertown, MA Target. If you ever have the option of going to a different one (if you live in the greater Boston area) you should. I've started calling it "Bad Target." Not so much because of the Target itself, but because of the people who go there.
When we arrived on Saturday afternoon the parking lot was full. Entirely. We circled for a while before finding a space. I suggested maybe we abandon our trip, but we pushed ahead because we are stupid people and do not learn. Eventually we found a space next to a poorly parked car. We have a tiny car. Yay, tiny car!
Then we entered the store. At some point I had a list, but after a few minutes I started to get a little panicky. The place was hot and crowded. Everything was bombed out - I wanted TP, a humidifier and some cat food for the cat that pukes up the other expensive food I've given her and will show no interest in any of the stuff I buy for her at Bad Target. But I digress.
Deeps and I split up, he looked for Kashi and paper products after snagging the last large room humidifier on the shelf. I wandered back towards the pet food aisle which is next to the consumer electronics. Sweet fancy Moses. What a horror show.
While I was standing in the aisle contemplating food the cat won't eat, a loud woman with a cart and her little Nextel phone arrived. She was loudly talking on the walkie-talkie to her friend. She was incredibly loud and talking about someone's doctor's appointment. A surly man was also in the aisle with me and started loudly talking to himself about how awful it was this lady was so loud and talking about personal things on her phone/walkie. Then the lady started telling the guy he was "so funny" and told her friend about the a-hole/joker in the aisle.
I grabbed three cans of Iams and made a run for it. It's one thing when family members start bickering at Target, it's another when strangers start in on each other. I exited just as they started an escalating yelling match. Perhaps the scent of fresh cat nip drove them wild.
Just remember - it's the most wonderful time of the year. There are still plenty more shopping days until Christmas. And I'll be doing my shopping online.
I don't watch a lot of filler TV anymore. You know, when you're bored and you just flip on the TV and watch anything? Thanks to the DVR I don't really do that much. Except on Saturday mornings. Sometimes it's just a free-for-all of bad television.
This morning I came across something unusual and oddly familiar. Guys on TV were playing video games - and they were competing against each other. So it was a little like 1988 when Cuddles and Bangles would play Super Mario on the Nintendo in the living room and I'd watch them. It was about that exciting too.
Watching this made me think that some things don't really change that much. Graphics get better, games are harder, but the spectator is still pretty freaking bored. Luckily, I could watch a guy build a stone wall over on HGTV so as I grow older I've transitioned to a new kind of boring. I'm saving golf for my 50s.
The nice thing about watching a guy build a wall is that there's no annoying Nintendo music to accompany it. That Super Mario song used to haunt my dreams.
